A Corresponding Bible Verse For Every Moira Rose Quote From "Schitt's Creek"

Moira Rose is television’s greatest achievement. This is mine. (Extremely David voice: “There’s only so much I can do in a day.)

David: How can a moth get into a triple locked titanium suitcase?
Moira: The perils of owning cashmere.

Matthew 6:19-21

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

***

Stevie: There's a bunch of pictures of you with OJ Simpson. And you with Robert Blake.
Moira: "The top eleven photogoraphs of Moira Rose with future murder suspects." Well, that's not what I'm looking for.
Stevie: Why were you on a paddleboat with Phil Spector?
Moira: And doesn't he look good? That was the one time he let me play with his hair.

Proverbs 22:24-25

“Do not befriend an angry man, nor go with a hot-tempered man, or you may learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.”

***

Moira: Darling, I'm afraid you and I have arrived at an awkward moment in our parent/child relationship.
David: I'd argue that moment happens daily.
Moira: It seems there are some nude photographs of me on the internet and I would like you to search for them.
David: That's a real quick no. You can ask literally anyone else.
Moira: I tried to ask Stevie but her computer is several years old and apparently quite prudish. Someone has to find naked pictures of me. Better you than a stranger in a storm cellar.

Leviticus 18:6

None of you shall approach any one of his close relatives to uncover nakedness. I am the Lord. You shall not uncover the nakedness of your father, which is the nakedness of your mother; she is your mother, you shall not uncover her nakedness. 

***

Moira: It's like the episode of Sunrise Bay where I stole my own baby.

1 Kings 3:16-22

“Now two women came to the king, and stood before him. And one woman said, “O my lord, this woman and I dwell in the same house; and I gave birth while she was in the house. Then it happened, the third day after I had given birth, that this woman also gave birth. And we were together; no one was with us in the house, except the two of us in the house. And this woman’s son died in the night, because she lay on him. So she arose in the middle of the night and took my son from my side, while your maidservant slept, and laid him in her bosom, and laid her dead child in my bosom. And when I rose in the morning to nurse my son, there he was, dead. But when I had examined him in the morning, indeed, he was not my son whom I had borne.”

Then the other woman said, “No! But the living one is my son, and the dead one is your son.”

And the first woman said, “No! But the dead one is your son, and the living one is my son.”

***

Moira: A heavy salad might as well as be a casserole.

Proverbs 15:17

“Better a dinner of herbs where love is than a stalled calf and hatred therewith.”

***

Moira: [singing in a foreign language over Islands in the Stream]

Acts 2:16-18

“And it shall come to pass in the last days, saith God, I will pour out of my Spirit upon all flesh: and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, and your young men and women shall see visions, and your old men and women shall dream dreams.”

***

Roland: Before you say no-
Moira: No.

Matthew 5:37 

“But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’”

***

Moira: I know all about being left in a lurch for a fundraiser. Eva Longoria and I were supposed to perform our ventriloquist act for the Everybody Knows Benefit for Juvenile Rhinoplasty when she suddenly drops out due to "exhaustion." I had to be both puppet and puppeteer.

2 Samuel 16:17

“And Absalom said to Hushai, ‘Is this your loyalty to your friend? Why did you not go with your friend?’”

***

Moira: Alexis, don’t be ridiculous. That’s exactly the kind of paranoia that makes me wary of spending time with you.

Genesis 16:11-13

The Angel of the LORD proceeded: “Behold, you have conceived and will bear a son. And you shall name him Ishmael, for the LORD has heard your cry of affliction. He will be a wild donkey of a man, and his hand will be against everyone, and everyone’s hand against him; he will live in hostility toward all his brothers.”

***

Moira: What? Ewww! I assume you’ve shaved her head. And we have to put a wig on her. But not one of my wigs! These have to be boxed now!

1 Corinthians 11:15

“If a woman has long hair, it is a glory to her: for her hair is given her for a covering.”

***

Moira: When one of us shines, all of us shine. That is the meaning of ensemble.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-11

“Two are better than one,
Because they have a good reward for their labor.
For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.
But woe to him who is alone when he falls,
For he has no one to help him up.
Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm;
But how can one be warm alone?”

***

Moira: We need to get ahead of this, Stevie. We must craft the perfect spin that both proclaims I'm not dead and explains why I've been found here. We'll tell them you brainwashed me.
Stevie: Could you tell then someone else brainwashed you?
Moira: A cult. Our family joined a cult. There was a charismatic leader, fortysomething, very sexual, had very long hair, longer than you'd expect, but it worked.

Romans 6:3-11

“Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.

For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with,[a] that we should no longer be slaves to sin— because anyone who has died has been set free from sin.

Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God. In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus.”