A Day In The Life Of A Psychoanalyst, In My Imagination

0645-0700 Carefully mislabel at least one sign in waiting room.

0700-0715 Remove 1⅛-inch cross-section from random leg of patient sofa.

0715-0730 Set thermostat to Chaos Mode. On alternate Thursdays, destroy thermostat. On odd-numbered Mondays, bring in second, decoy thermostat.

0730-0800 Text with morning patients’ childhood friends.

0800-0900 Prank call behaviorists.

0900-0950 “Well, that sounds like resistance to me.”

1000-1050 Prank call somaticists.

1100-1140 Text with afternoon patients’ childhood friends.

1140-1240 Total consciousness, light lunch

1240-0230 “Why do you think you’re so obsessed with me?”

0230-0300 Downplay affect.

0300-0400 Rearrange session room to resemble childhood bedroom of late-afternoon patient.

0400-0450 “I don’t know. Have you tried developing an insight about it?”

0450-0530 Postpone dinner

0530-0600 “Yes, well, I take your point about Freud there. He has been dead for 82 years, of course, so I wonder if perhaps there’s something more recent you’d care to discuss in the time remaining.”

0600-0630 Withhold dinner

0630-0730 Sublimate dinner;

0800-1000 Resolve dinner.

1015-1030 Prank call Noam Chomsky.

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