A Very Columbo Thanksgiving

Recently my dear friend Elizabeth sent me a copy of Cooking With Columbo: Suppers with the Shambling Sleuth; my dear friend Elizabeth is rapidly climbing the ranks of my intimates, as none of the rest of you have sent me a damn thing. But I do not hold a grudge. You can buy a copy for yourself here.

Let us return to a simpler, more genteel time; a time when a man might enjoy some of Leonard Nimoy’s Potatoes La Jolla Chez Jay (worldly!) followed by Anne Baxter’s Genuine Swiss Quiche. I don’t mind admitting it: I’ve been saying for years that we could all get a whole lot of good out of eating a little bit more like Columbo.

What the world really needs, I have often been known to remark, is a little bit more of Ray Milland’s Chicken Chow Mein, and John Cassavettes’ Minted Beef.

In the spirit of goodwill, I would like to offer a humble suggestion. If you have not already finalized your Thanksgiving menu, why not make a Columbo Thanksgiving? There are enough relevant entries within Cooking With Columbo that you could easily cobble together a Lieutenant-approved bill of fare. Allow me to suggest:

Roddy McDowall’s Poached Pears, p. 28

“When the Lieutenant suggests to Junior that his uncle’s car accident could have been murder, he’s already thinking about how an explosion could have been set up with some kind of trigger device…If you are having friends over to watch this episode, you may wish to have a box of Cuban cigars on the coffee table. Serves 4.”

Leonard Nimoy Potatoes La Jolla Chez Jay, p. 48

“I think this is the first episode where we see Columbo produce a hard-boiled egg from his raincoat pocket.” Be warned, that while Roddy McDowell’s poached pear recipe is pretty standard, Nimoy’s calls for:

1/2 medium onion

4 cold baked potatoes

3 bananas

6 tablespoons butter

2 tablespoons melted chicken schmaltz

Cream

2 teaspoons beef extract

1/2 teaspoon salt

Grated Parmesan cheese

Paprika

“Interesting, but would not try again.” You should probably try the recipe once as-is, for authenticity’s sake, but I don’t think Columbo would mind if you swapped out the bananas for plantains.

Jack Cassidy’s Quickie Green Bean Casserole, p. 70

“There are three of Jack Cassidy’s recipes in this book, and I think that this is probably the one that Columbo, with his down to earth taste in food, would like best.”

Peter Falk’s Pumpkin Lasagna, p. 87

[From “By Dawn’s Early Light,” 1974, Patrick McGoohan] “It’s unlikely that Columbo ever attended military school…Try as I might, I can’t find a recipe attributed to Patrick McGoohan. Serves 3 with, as Peter Falk puts it, ‘2 shells left over for the cook to nibble on.’”

Janet Leigh’s Cheese Soufflé, p. 98

“If you’re in the UK, you probably won’t be able to get Liederkranz cheese. The closest I could get was Epoisses. For American cooks, Liederkranz is a variety of Limburger – you can use whatever you have around the place.”

Weirdly, this recipe seems to involve placing buttered cheese toast at the bottom of a baking dish and then pouring the soufflé mixture on top of it — even more weirdly, Janet Leigh originally claimed that whole wheat bread contains “no weight-gaining content.” The ‘70s!

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There aren’t any actual turkey recipes in the book, so I figured you could either swap out chicken for turkey in either Dick Van Dyke or Edith Head’s chicken recipes (since both involve only breast meat you won’t have to worry about adjusting the cooking time), or go with stewed pheasant. The choice is yours!

Dick Van Dyke’s Breast of [Turkey] Florentine, p. 84

A great recipe, because Dick Van Dyke plays the type of Columbo murderer who’s incredibly rude to our boy, and that’s a very fun change of pace for him. I have not yet tried the recipe, but it looks very dependable — breast meat, breadcrumbs, butter, Parmesan, spinach, lemon juice, mushrooms. “Impressive-looking enough to roll out for casual guests, or children with very high standards.”

Playboy’s Stewed Pheasant in Champagne, with dumplings, p. 152

Technically cheating because Ian Buchanan (“Columbo Cries Wolf,” ‘80) didn’t have an available recipe, so the author found a thematically-appropriate dupe from Playboy Magazine, since Buchanan plays a Hugh Hefner type in the episode. Follow your conscience. I think it sounds incredible.

Edith Head’s [Turkey] Casa Ladera, p. 214

Come to think of it, this one might not substitute easily, since it calls for a pound of chicken livers, and I’m not sure how readily available turkey livers are, even around the holidays. But I can’t see why you couldn’t use a turkey carcass and chicken livers together; I think the flavors would work fine.

Gena Rowlands and John Cassavettes’ Cherry Torte, p. 205

“This would be lovely after the Étude in Black episode. There is great chemistry between the two leads in this episode, as they were very close friends in real life. It’s a great episode to watch with friends of your own. I would buy an appropriate amount of pink carnations and give one to each of your guests.”

The Faye Dunaway Cocktail, p. 178

“If there was any doubt in the viewer’s mind that the Lieutenant may have been tempted by the glamorous Lauren, this is punctured by his last words at the end of the episode; announcing that he’s off to take the wife bowling.”

If it’s not too much trouble, please rearrange your Thanksgiving plans to incorporate the classic television detective Columbo and then report back on how it went in the comments. I’ll wait.