Absolutely Inexplicable Things Commonly Said About Veggie Burgers

veggie burgers taste good and you can eat them

“Now, the important thing is that this not be trying to taste like meat.”

“Too many veggie burgers try to taste like meat.”

“The problem with veggie burgers is that you’re never going to recreate the taste of meat.”

“Have you ever heard of a portabello mushroom? They’re really meaty.”

“Stop thinking about the 90s…stop thinking about lentils…”

“Even a carnivore would love this veggie burger. Even someone who eats meat would be willing to eat some grains, I guess. There’s no reason someone who had a steak ten hours ago wouldn’t later consent to eat a patty of pulses and vegetables and so on. You can eat both of them, with the same mouth.”

“Stop thinking about the 90s!!!! It’s not the 90s ANYMORE. We jettisoned every freezer pack of Boca Burgers on the moon, so QUIT it.”

“There’s mounting evidence that turning the state of Illinois into an intensive pig-farming waste runoff lagoon isn’t a very good idea, so maybe you’d like to eat a sandwich made out of beans today.”

“I know what you’re thinking. A veggie burger? Isn’t that made out of begrudging pleasure and the 1970s? Well, it’s not.”

“You do not have to be a vegetarian to eat a veggie burger. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You can just eat one of those for free, if you want to.”

“Can’t we just let tofu be tofu? Why does every sandwich have to have a chip on its shoulder?”

“Throw your freezer away. Right now! It’s full of hockey pucks. You can’t eat a hockey puck, so stop trying. Stop eating bowling pins and asphalt. You’re confused. You’ve been confused since the 1970s about the 1990s, you’ve been trying to be meat, but you’re not meat. You’ll never be meat. But you’re fine.”

“Let’s face it:”

“Let’s get real for a minute:”

“Let’s stop pretending:”

“This doesn’t have to be a chore, you know.”

“None of the meat, but all of the fat.”

“There’s nothing virtuous about this veggie burger. This veggie burger is bulging with beans and crime.”

“Admit it: Your veggie burgers are mush and garbage, and you’re suffering.”

“Portobello mushrooms are already shaped like a burger, and they’ve got that meaty quality, that’s not pretending to be meat, but that is like meat, but it’s not trying to be meat, but it is meaty, and it’s good to be meaty but it’s not good to be meat-like, because it’ll never be meat, and I’ll get to the veggies in a second, but first let’s talk about meat again. Ever heard of it?? It’s the ‘90s, Liz: Meat is everywhere and nowhere, all at once.”


“Why would you eat a veggie burger if you could eat a regular burger? You wouldn’t. But this one is good. Just not as good. But it’s good. But why are people so defensive about veggie burgers? I’m not, obviously, and neither are you. But everyone else is, so we have to get them to let down their guard a little.”

“Even a Grillfather would eat this. He won’t listen to you, or respect you, or any of the choices that you’ve made about your own life. But he might eat this.”

“We can’t get to the recipe yet. Not until we’ve worked out something in the collective unconscious about beef burgers. I don’t know what that is. Is it guilt? Is it fear? Is it fear of guilt? Is something going to be taken away from me? Am I in trouble? Are you in trouble? Are you mad at me? Is pea protein mad at me? I don’t feel good. I feel pleasure and shame in alternating succession, which I don’t think is the same thing as feeling good. What does it mean to want something? What does it mean to take something seriously? Is this carrot taking me seriously? Can beans forgive? What is the lunch of the future – where is the dinner of the past? You can put bacon on this veggie burger, for added smokiness, and to further straddle the line between belligerence and apology. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I do know that you’re going to want to sauté the mushrooms first, because of the high water content, before shaping your patties. It’s okay to eat a sandwich made out of mushrooms, I think. I’m pretty sure. I don’t know.”