All Things Great and Small: Excerpts From A Secret Whatsapp Group Of The Neighbors of Peter Glazebrook, Giant Vegetable Farmer

“Peter Glazebrook…is the proud grower of the world’s heaviest cauliflower (60 pounds), potato (10 pounds), and as of 2020, the longest leek. Glazebrook, a lithe, 76-year-old former building surveyor from Nottinghamshire, England, is one of the most decorated competitors in the world when it comes to the uniquely British sport of growing giant vegetables.

As the contests spread across the United Kingdom, his cousin noticed that the vegetables Glazebrook was growing at home were nearly competition-sized already. “He said I should try and beat the local show winner,” says Glazebrook. He won the local cup that year and the two years following, before moving onto larger shows. “My vegetables always grew larger than most,” he notes. As for how he’s accomplished so much in the giant vegetable realm, “I do not keep any secrets,” Glazebrook states. He’s always given hopefuls the standard gardening advice: choose the right seeds, give the plants a long growing season, log their progress, and look after them.”

stonebridge_springlane: happy spring everyone!

just as a reminder for anyone new to the chat this year: between 15 April and early June the entire neighborhood is blessedly GF while he goes on the road

green_sons: sorry what’s GF mean in this context? don’t think it can have anything to do with gluten…

reg_hancock: Glazebrook-free lol

regularrutebaga: please reference the FAQ before posting questions to the main chat. it’s pinned to the top of the home page, and odds are you’ll find answers to questions like this one!

tilly_tilling: amazing how the farm manages to stay afloat even while he’s off posing for engagement shots with tumour-shaped zucchini for three months

stonebridge_springlane: if the farm can do without you for THREE months…you’re not a farmer lmao

stratford_on_craven: you don’t win any awards for staying home and growing normal size potatoes but it’s the only way to run a farm

reg_hancock: it’s not farming!!!

it’s not farming! i don’t know what it is, maybe it’s a sex thing, but it’s NOT farming

“everyone come and look at me, I’ve found a kohlrabi the size of Whitehall” okay? i have 7000 kohlrabis to tend to, you’re not special!

tilly_tilling: oh it’s 100% a sex thing

stratford_on_craven: what’s the big kohlrabi TASTE like, Peter!! that’s what I want to know!

reg_hancock: you kNOW the answer he’s gonna give to that one lolol

ravenshead_cityfarms: “not that woody actually”

soiltoiler: “you’d be surprised, it’s not as woody as you might expect”

ravenshead_cityfarms: jinx!!

soiltoiler: it’s a sixty-pound kohlrabi Peter…it’s woody!!!

stratford_on_craven: and it looks like SHIT!

tilly_tilling: oh my god and those giant carrots that look like a Gordian knot or a French braid…just endlessly spiralling over one another in a freakish root handshake….who’s going to eat it??

green_sons: some of the big ones are kind of neat to see…just to see how they get that big i mean

regularrutebaga: please read the section for new members before posting to the main chat again

stonebridge_springlane: you’re not serious

tilly_tilling: ???

burtonsbest: I get that for a lot of new farmers, or people on social media, some of this can seem harmless, or even charming

I don’t, obviously, but I understand how someone else might

but the thing you have to understand is that it makes farming look like a joke, which makes our jobs ten times harder

tilly_tilling: you are entirely free to join the Glazebrook groupies (half the rest of the country and most of the internet at this point) if you don’t like it here. but if you’re going to post here, at least read the introduction and FAQ first, and respect the rules we’ve established for ourselves. Some of us need this space

green_sons: sorry to offend, will read

tilly_tilling: thank you

end_giant_veg: did u lot see the roundup in The Garden Journal this week

burtonsbest: oh my god

no

looking now obviously

also which is it, Peter?? are you a gardener, or a farmer?

spannertime: let me guess…another interview with the usual suspects where they say shit like “I’m not used to the limelight” directly into a microphone while swaddling a beetroot the size of the infant Christ?

reg_hancock: fucking of COURSE

I know why their veg grows so big…because they have an endless supply of bullshit lolol

end_giant_veg: bingo

stonebridge_springlane: lol

stratford_on_craven: lol

spannertime: i never get sick of that line lol

not_allotment: you know what I grew this year, Peter? 80 tonnes of normal-sized beetroot, fit to be sold in any grocery store or farmers’ market in the country and all suitable for regular human consumption. no one came round to my farm to shake my hand or give me a medal. Just that BBC reporter who wanted a sound bite on how Brexit had affected haulage this year over last.

tilly_tilling: omg he said “us” in this…presumably referring to his neighbors??

us??

Peter we are not the same…farmers feed the world! you put on an annual cruciferous freak show!

reg_hancock: just because you CAN grow a three-metre broccoli doesn’t mean you SHOULD

tilly_tilling: or the world’s longest cardoon

green_sons: i think i understand. like when they bring out “england’s biggest pig”

ravenshead_cityfarms: that’s a completely different thing

soiltoiler: big pig is fine

burtonsbest: that’s not the same thing at all. big pig is a time-honored tradition that requires actual skill and animal husbandry. does anyone moderate this group anymore

regularrutebaga: due to multiple violations your account has been temporarily blocked for review. please contact mods directly if you have questions about the review process

reg_hancock: think we found Peter’s alt?

tilly_tilling: lol

soiltoiler: lol

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