“And, um, I like your face, too.”

“If I have now found favor in your sight, then receive my present from my hand, inasmuch as I have seen your face as though I had seen the face of God, and you were pleased with me.” — Genesis 33:10

There’s something peculiarly degrading about being a man and yet not being a young Elliott Gould in The Long Goodbye. That man knows how to feed a cat. Also how to stay sweaty at all times, maintain a perpetually-rumpled affect, scrunch, grimace, moue, deflect, downplay, sidestep, and stay on track at all times. Spiritually, he is always in the condition of having just absorbed a blow, which puts him very near to Donne in the order of the saints. A lot of people don’t know this, but most of the Bible is about his performance in Robert Altman’s The Long Goodbye. But you know it now — the Romans knew it, the Carthaginians knew it, and now so do you.

MARLOWEs Brand Cat Food. Cat gets me to go out at 3:00 in the morning to get him a special kind of food. I gotta be outta my fuckin’ mind. Boy, that cockamamie cat.

Then He spoke a parable to them, that men always ought to pray and not lose heart, saying: “There was in a certain city a judge who did not fear God nor regard man. Now there was a widow in that city; and she came to him, saying, ‘Get justice for me from my adversary.’ And he would not for a while; but afterward he said within himself, ‘Though I do not fear God nor regard man, yet because this widow troubles me I will avenge her, lest by her continual coming she weary me.’” — Luke 18:1-5

GIRL: Oh, Mr. Marlowe!

MARLOWE: Crazy girls.

GIRL: Mr. Marlowe, are you going by the store?

MARLOWE: Yeah, I’m gonna go and pick up a couple cans of cat food.

GIRL: Could you pick me up some brownie mix? I’d really like to make some brownies.

MARLOWE: I’ll get you some brownie mix.

GIRL: Get two boxes.

MARLOWE: Two boxes.

GIRL: The fudge kind.

MARLOWE: Fudge kind and regular kind.

GIRL: Mr. Marlowe, you’re the nicest neighbor we ever had.

MARLOWE: I gotta be the nicest neighbor, I’m a private eye. It’s okay with me.

Now Abraham was old, well advanced in age; and the Lord had blessed Abraham in all things. So Abraham said to the oldest servant of his house, who ruled over all that he had, “Please, put your hand under my thigh, and I will make you swear by the Lord, the God of heaven and the God of the earth, that you will not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell; but you shall go to my country and to my family, and take a wife for my son Isaac…”
Then the servant took ten of his master’s camels and departed, for all his master’s goods were in his hand. And he arose and went to Mesopotamia, to the city of Nahor. And he made his camels kneel down outside the city by a well of water at evening time, the time when women go out to draw water. Then he said, “O Lord God of my master Abraham, please give me success this day, and show kindness to my master Abraham.
Behold, here I stand by the well of water, and the daughters of the men of the city are coming out to draw water. Now let it be that the young woman to whom I say, ‘Please let down your pitcher that I may drink,’ and she says, ‘Drink, and I will also give your camels a drink’—let her be the one You have appointed for Your servant Isaac. And by this I will know that You have shown kindness to my master.”
And it happened, before he had finished speaking, that behold, Rebekah, who was born to Bethuel, son of Milcah, the wife of Nahor, Abraham’s brother, came out with her pitcher on her shoulder…And she went down to the well, filled her pitcher, and came up. And the servant ran to meet her and said, “Please let me drink a little water from your pitcher.”
So she said, “Drink, my lord.” Then she quickly let her pitcher down to her hand, and gave him a drink. And when she had finished giving him a drink, she said, “I will draw water for your camels also, until they have finished drinking.” Then she quickly emptied her pitcher into the trough, ran back to the well to draw water, and drew for all his camels. — Genesis 24:1-20

HARRY: Well, look at them up there, doing all those contortions together, and with no clothes on.

MARLOWE: Oh, they’re just doing yoga.

HARRY: What?

MARLOWE: I don’t know what it is, but it’s yoga.

Do not speak evil of one another, brethren. He who speaks evil of a brother and judges his brother, speaks evil of the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. There is one Lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy. Who are you to judge your neighbor? — James 4:11-12

MARLOWE: So what do you want me to do?

MARTY: I want you to take off your clothes.

MARLOWE: Well, I’m gonna tell you something — I have absolutely nothing to hide either, but I’m not gonna take my clothes off.

MARTY: I want you to get naked so you can tell me the truth about my money.

MARLOWE: You wanna take your clothes off?

MARTY: Would you like me to take off my clothes?

MARLOWE: It’s okay with me.

MARTY: Why, it’s a pleasure. As a matter of fact, everybody — Harry, everybody — take off their clothes.

GOON [sotto voce] George Raft never took his clothes off.

Then the Spirit of God was upon [Saul] also, and he went on and prophesied until he came to Naioth in Ramah. And he also stripped off his clothes and prophesied before Samuel in like manner, and lay down naked all that day and all that night. — 1 Samuel 19:23-24

I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan;
You have been very pleasant to me;
Your love to me was wonderful,
Surpassing the love of women. — 2 Samuel 1:26

Just a fun little bonus moment of transmasculine representation! Robert Altman was always looking out.

The Chatner

Bible Verses That Predict Elliott Gould's…