The Chatner

Share this post

Carmela Soprano and Husband-Ham

www.thechatner.com

Discover more from The Chatner

A newsletter about rejiggered classics, transmasculine underpinnings of the plucky heroine, and the failure-limits of graciousness, from table manners to family estrangement.
Over 18,000 subscribers
Continue reading
Sign in

Carmela Soprano and Husband-Ham

Daniel Lavery
Sep 8, 2020
21
Share this post

Carmela Soprano and Husband-Ham

www.thechatner.com
2
Share

The Sopranos is a show about a woman who cannot calm her husband down, no matter how much ham is in the fridge. He is absolutely furious with crime, this big tall husband, and his name is Mr. Don’t You Do That Bathrobe. You are Carmela Soprano, and your mouth is falling-down sad into your neck. Your job is to say to your husband his most important problem, and then describe the meat in the fridge, pork only. You know already the things most unbearable to you. Name the ham. My husband is the pig who won’t listen. I’ll tell him everything, I’ll tell him the ham’s name, I’ll shout in the kitchen, the big cold room where no one listens.


“You know what you are, Tony? You’re [birth month], that’s what you are. There’s [birth day of the week] in the fridge.”

January — unfaithful

February — neglectful

March — absolutely without pity in your heart, Tony

April — afraid of your mother

May — paranoid

June — take some sort of pleasure in telling the sort of lies that you know anyone with half a brain would see through, I swear to God I think you want me to know about these women

July — a shit Catholic

August — sacrilegious

September — plausible deniability, that’s the word I couldn’t think of in June, that’s what you want, Tony, you want plausible deniability

October — hopeless

November — mentally diseased

December — a good father


Monday — Proscuitto cotto (but you’ll pronounce it “Boat-y-goat”)

Tuesday — Bresaola (but you’ll pronounce it “Brezh-ricola”)

Wednesday — Ciauscolo (but you’ll pronounce it “Chow-chow-scow-hound”)

Thursday — Guanciale (but you’ll pronounce it “Ginny-chomper”)

Friday — Tyrolean speck (but you’ll pronounce it “Tyrannosaurus smart-off”)

Saturday — Ventricina (but you’ll pronounce it “Ven-trixie-pixie”)

Sunday — Finocchiona (but you’ll pronounce it “Pinball-smarmy”)


You know what you are, Tony? You’re hungry for something, but it ain’t Sopressa Vicentina, and I don’t think it ever was.

[Image via]

21
Share this post

Carmela Soprano and Husband-Ham

www.thechatner.com
2
Share
2 Comments
Share this discussion

Carmela Soprano and Husband-Ham

www.thechatner.com
Alex (they/them)
Sep 8, 2020Liked by Daniel Lavery

"My husband is the pig who won’t listen. I’ll tell him everything, I’ll tell him the ham’s name, I’ll shout in the kitchen, the big cold room where no one listens."

I got shivers reading those lines!

Expand full comment
Reply
Share
Heather M.
Sep 8, 2020Liked by Daniel Lavery

that's it that's the whole show

Expand full comment
Reply
Share
Top
New
Community

No posts

Ready for more?

© 2023 Daniel M. Lavery
Privacy ∙ Terms ∙ Collection notice
Start WritingGet the app
Substack is the home for great writing