I have to fight writing “Son Of A Preacher Man: The Journey To Becoming Daniel Mallory Ortberg, Trekking The Transformative Expedition Voyages Of Emergence, Shiftwards Into Developmental Form: An Odyssey In Two Genders: Pilgrimage To Ladhood” every day that I am alive. I do not know how much longer I can restrain the impulse.

Chapter One: A Description Of An Outdoor Picnic, And A Flashback

Chapter Two: A Forced-Poetic Description Of My Hormone Delivery System

Chapter Three: My Male Privilege? My Male Privilege Seems So Fraught But I'm Also Scared About My Male Privilege

Chapter Four: *Extremely Paula Cole Voice* Where Have All The Tomboys Gone

Chapter Five: An Extensive Water-Based Metaphor

Chapter Six: Have You Heard Of Mermaids/Centaurs/Sirens/Sphinxes/Butterflies/Snakes/Werewolves/Any Cryptid? Well You’re Going To Hear About Them Now

Chapter Seven: Maiden, Mother, Crone, Mothman

Chapter Eight: Footnotes, For Legitimacy

Chapter Nine: An Exhaustive Recounting Of Every Crush I Have Ever Had, Tagged And Exhibited, Followed By Six Pages Of Layman’s Chemistry

Chapter Eleven: What If Masculinity, But In A Soft Drape-y Jacket

Chapter Twelve: In Which I Interview Every Man Who Refused To Walk Through A Door I Held Open For Them Before Transition And Inform Them That They Are Retroactively Gay Now

Chapter Thirteen: “Liminal”

Chapter Fourteen: In Which I Rescue Masculinity By Taking Up Weightlifting, Heroically

The Chatner

Chapter Titles From My Upcoming On-The-Nose…