Every Pete Hornburger Subplot on 30 Rock, Ranked: Season One
Season One Pete Hornberger is a little tricky to figure out. He gets more screen time than he’ll get later on in the series, when it really becomes the Liz-and-Jack and Tracy-and-Jenna show rather than a true ensemble1, but he’s the straight man much more often than he’ll ever in the later seasons of the series, once they decided to really lean into his vicious, lecherous loser-ness. Season One Pete is often competent and even, occasionally forceful.
But the seeds of greatness are there, I think. Scott Adsit has the winning, poignant smile of an urchin who doesn’t realize he’s dying, and the shamelessness of Gene Hackman in The Royal Tenenbaums. He’s always losing, but he’s always looking for way to game the system, too, and you can’t keep a downed man down for long.
#12.
Episode: “Pilot”
Subplot: Is fired, then rehired, by Jack.
Best line(s): “Hey, I thought we cut the cat-lady sketch.”
#11.
Episode: “Up All Night”
Subplot: Forgets Valentine’s Day; loses balloons
Best line(s):
Pete: “Sorry, I got to duck out. I just found a Hallmark store open 70 blocks from here.”
#10.
Episode: “The C Word”
Subplot: Tells Liz not to fire Lutz, carries Liz when she gets sleepy after yelling at everybody
Best line(s):
Pete: “You think Jack Donaghy sits up there and worries if people are saying bad things about him?”
Liz: “It’s different for women.”
Pete: “I don’t think it is. Sometimes people hate their bosses. Big deal. You got to stick up for yourself. Because if you don’t, they’ll take advantage of you. Oh, hey, could I borrow 60 bucks? I’m going to meet Frank and Lutz at Scores.”
#9.
Episode: “The Rural Juror”
Subplot: Guesses name of Rural Juror
Best line(s):
Pete: “Oh! So you must finally know the title.”
Liz: “Yes! Yes. The Rural Juror.”
Pete: “The Ru…”
Liz: “Rural.”
Pete: “The R…”
Liz: “Rural.”
#8.
Episode: “Blind Date”
Subplot: Loses wedding ring in poker game; encourages Liz to try lesbianism.
Best line(s):
Pete: “Oh, Jack, we usually just play for quarters.”
Jack: “Well, then, you best go home and put on your daddy’s shoes, boy. This is a man’s game.”
*****
Liz: “I can’t believe you bet your wedding ring.”
Pete: “I know! The weird thing is, I had money left.”
#7.
Episode: “Jack the Writer”
Subplot: Tries to convince Liz not to ask Cerie to dress more appropriately at work
Best line(s):
Liz: “Me trying to tell Jack what to do would be like you trying to boss around…which one of your kids is it that you’re afraid of?”
Pete: “Kyle. Kyle. He’s so strong.”
*****
[Cerie takes off what appeared to be a very short dress]
Pete: “That was a jacket?”
Liz: “That’s it. I’ve got to talk to her about her clothes. She can’t dress like that.”
Pete: “Yes, she can. People like the way she dresses.”
Liz: “Oh, come on. It’s distracting. It’s inappropriate.”
Pete: “You’re inapropriate, you jerk, with your…big, stupid face. No, Liz. Listen. Listen. Listen. Look at me. Look at how bald I am. Look at my life. Please, just give me this one thing.”
*****
Liz: “Did we just go in a circle?”
Pete: “Yeah. I was following you.”
Liz: “No, I’m going to wardrobe.”
Pete: “Okay. Good walk and talk.”
#6.
Episode: “Jack-Tor”
Subplot: Argues with Jenna about how explicitly she can moan during “Muffin Top;” cuts “Muffin Top” for time
Best line(s):
Liz: “Look at the educational system in this country. We spend all this money in Iraq, but meanwhile, our inner-city graduation rates are lower than they are in the Sudan.”
Pete: “That doesn’t sound right.”
Liz: “Maybe it was Sweden. And maybe it was teen pregnancy. I gotta read more.”
*****
Jenna: “Pete, the Standards lady is saying my moaning in “Muffin Top” is too graphic. Which of these is less offensive? Aah! Aah! Aah! Or...Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!
Pete: [Visibly unhappy] “Uh, I guess, uh, ‘Ah! Ah! Ah!’”
#5.
Episode: “The Baby Show”
Subplot: Buys off makeup artist whose baby Liz briefly kidnaps; admits he’s faked his vasectomy when offering to impregnate Liz
Best line(s):
Pete: “What? What’s wrong?”
Liz: “Jenna told the writers that I am looking for a guy to get me pregnant.”
Pete: “Oh.”
Liz: “Can you believe her?
Pete “I know. It’s so uncool. I mean, why would she go to them? Who do you know better than me?”
Liz: “Aw, come on. Didn’t you have a vasectomy?”
Pete: “No, I just told my wife I did.”
Liz: “And she doesn’t get pregnant how?”
Pete: “I fake it.”
*****
Pete: “Oh, God! It’s true that you had the baby.”
Liz: “I don’t know what happened. One minute, I was holding the baby in makeup. And then, suddenly — it was like highway hypnosis — You know, when you pull into your driveway, but you don’t remember driving home?”
Pete: “Oh, right! And you have someone else’s baby in your car.”
#4.
Episode: “Black Tie”
Subplot: Impersonates Elmo over the phone to help toilet train his son; decides not to cheat on his wife with a member of Tracy’s entourage
Best line(s):
Pete: “No, not at Mommy. At the potty — Well, how is that Elmo’s fault?”
*****
Pete: “Wow. You are so smooth.”
#3.
Episode: “The Fighting Irish”
Subplot: Compares Liz to Lisa Nowak, asks to move in with her after his wife realizes he’s lied about getting a vasectomy.
Best line(s):
Pete: “You can’t fire the other Liz unless she’s in the bottom ten percent…You can’t just do this.”
Liz: “I’m not gonna just do anything. I have a plan. Step one: befriend the enemy and gather information. Then, use the information to drive her into the bottom ten percent.”
Pete: “Good Lord! Your eyes — you look like that lady astronaut who tried to kidnap that other woman.”
Liz: “Hey, that was a lady with a plan. Diapers, mace, Houston to Orlando in nine hours — blammo.”
*****
Pete: [Running into the elevator, interrupting Liz with her newly-single crush]: “Liz! You forgot to give me the key to your place, and I need it. My wife knows about our little secret. I don't know how she found out. Oh, God. I should have just gotten a vasectomy!”
#2.
Episode: “Fireworks”
Subplot: Keeps wearing Liz’ sweaters
Best line(s):
Liz: “Okay, dude, how can we be wearing the same outfit? You saw me leave the apartment this morning.”
Pete: “I saw you put it on. I thought it looked nice.”
Liz: “How long are you staying with me?”
Pete: “Indefinitely!”
#1.
Episode: “Tracy Does Conan”
Subplot: Is pressured into wearing a joke wig full-time by Jack
Best line(s):
Jack: “Pete, where’s your charisma?”
Pete: “What?”
Jack: “The wig. I prefer that you wear it.”
Pete: “Well, I thought you were joking.”
Jack: “Well, let me clarify. I’m not joking. Pete, did you know that men with full heads of hair, on average, earn 17% more than their bald counterparts?””
Pete: “I did not know that.”
Jack: “Perhaps that’s because bald men are generally less informed than men with full heads of hair. But here’s what I want you to do. Wear the wig for a week and experience your full potential.”
Pete: “Well, I — I think this is my full potential.”
Jack: “I know you’re skeptical, Pete. I know. Here, I want you to do something. Pull my hair. Right now, go ahead, pull my hair. [Flinches] I’m just kidding. It’s... It’s real. I’m not like you.”
I won’t criticize very much about 30 Rock, but I’ll always maintain that they should have kept Jack’s stress-eating from S1 and S2 and that Pete should have gotten more air time.
I agree with all your 30 rock opinions and when you drop a new one of these, it is like a holiday to me
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