Hercules At The Crossroads

When Heracles was passing from boyhood to youth's estate, wherein the young, now becoming their own masters, show whether they will approach life by the path of virtue or the path of vice, he went out into a quiet place, and sat pondering which road to take.

And there appeared two women of great stature making towards him. The one was fair to see and of high bearing; and her limbs were adorned with purity, her eyes with modesty; sober was her figure, and her robe was white. The other was plump and soft, with high feeding. Her face was made up to heighten its natural white and pink, her figure to exaggerate her height. Open-eyed was she; and dressed so as to disclose all her charms. Now she eyed herself; anon looked whether any noticed her; and often stole a glance at her own shadow.

When they drew nigh to Heracles, the first pursued the even tenor of her way: but the other, all eager to outdo her, ran to meet him, crying: ‘Heracles, I see that you are in doubt which path to take towards life. Make me your friend; follow me, and I will lead you along the pleasantest and easiest road. You shall taste all the sweets of life; and hardship you shall never know…’

Now when Heracles heard this, he asked, ‘Lady, pray what is your name?’

“‘My friends call me Happiness,’ she said, ‘but among those that hate me I am nicknamed Vice.’

Meantime the other had drawn near, and she said: ‘I, too, am come to you, Heracles: I know your parents and I have taken note of your character during the time of your education. Therefore I hope that, if you take the road that leads to me, you will turn out a right good doer of high and noble deeds, and I shall be yet more highly honoured and more illustrious for the blessings I bestow.’

—Xenophon, Memorabilia

HERCULES: Well, now

Seems to me you both make an excellent case

Either a life of noble deeds and restraint, with helmets and books and things…holding sheafs of grain, caring for flocks and so on

VIRTUE: And toil! Don’t forget toil

HERCULES: And, as you say, toil — and on the other hand, you said…?

VICE: Oh, drinking wine with your shirt off…bisexuality…getting a bed frame…

HERCULES: I don’t know what that is?

VICE: It’s like a house for your mattress

HERCULES: ?

VICE: Keeps your bed off the ground. Makes it more comfortable, and you can grab onto it during sex —

VIRTUE: But just think of how good it feels to get up after you’ve spent the night on a single goatskin spread over the hard ground!

VICE: Think of eating cakes and honey when you’re not even hungry — just because you’re bored and it’s hot out!