Hi, Thirsty – I'm God

The tags for Wikipedia’s Dad Joke article are:

Fatherhood | Humor | Jokes | Pejorative

“Many dad jokes may be considered anti-jokes, deriving humor from an intentionally unfunny punchline.”

“Dad, I’m hungry.” “After this, Jesus, knowing that all things were now accomplished, that the Scriptures might be fulfilled, said, ‘I’m thirsty.’

“Hi, Hungry — I’m Dad.” And suddenly a voice came from heaven, saying, ‘Hi, Thirsty — I’m God.’”

—John 19:28

“What man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent?”

— Matthew 7:8-9 

After this, Jesus, knowing that all things were now accomplished, that the Scriptures might be fulfilled, said, “I’m thirsty.”

And suddenly an arm reached down from Heaven, saying, “Here, have a nice refreshing cola,” and presented a can before Jesus’ mouth. But he could not open it, fastened to the cross, so it was that the pious woman known as Berenike was moved to pity and popped the tab for him. A whole mess of spring-loaded snakes popped out.

A voice from heaven then said, “Enough kidding around. Here, have some water-and-vinegar, to refresh your thirst, for you are My beloved son, in whom I am well pleased. You’re being such a champ today. You’ve earned this,” and lowered a fine glass, all covered in etchings marvelous to behold, to Jesus’ lips. But behold — each time Our Savior attempted to drink from the wondrous cup, the water dribbled out through the etchings themselves, staining His fine linen shirt.

“I’m worried My son has a drinking problem,” said the voice from heaven. “I will let this cup pass from him for the unbeatably low price of $19.99.”

The voice continued: “Maybe a nice loaf of bread would be easier. Would you like a loaf of bread, My son?”

And Jesus said to him, “I’m not hungry, but I could eat.”

With those words, a great number of stones whizzed down from heaven, some striking the wood of the cross before falling in the dirt, and some landing directly on Jesus’ arms and face.

“Behold the bread of life,” said the voice from heaven. “Whoever comes to Him shall never hunger, and any who believe in Him shall never thirst.” The rocks kept on coming, fast and thick, until there was darkness all over the earth, and even the sun was darkened. “Stop hitting yourself,” the voice commanded.

Then the crowd said to Him, “Lord, give us this bread always.”

“Sorry, we don’t serve food here,” said the voice. “What do you call a mermaid on a roof?”

---

David and Absalom Take A Father-Son Road Trip

When David was a little past the top of the mountain, there was Ziba the servant of Mephibosheth, who met him with a couple of saddled donkeys, and on them two hundred loaves of bread, one hundred clusters of raisins, one hundred summer fruits, and a skin of wine. And the king said to Ziba, “What do you mean to do with these?”

So Ziba said, “The donkeys are for the king’s household to ride on, the bread and summer fruit for the young men to eat, and the wine for those who are faint in the wilderness to drink….”

When David had come to Mahanaim, that Shobi the son of Nahash from Rabbah of the people of Ammon, Machir the son of Ammiel from Lo Debar, and Barzillai the Gileadite from Rogelim, brought beds and basins, earthen vessels and wheat, barley and flour, parched grain and beans, lentils and parched seeds, honey and curds, sheep and cheese of the herd, for David and the people who were with him to eat. For they said, “The people are hungry and weary and thirsty in the wilderness.”

— 2 Samuel 16:1-2; 27-28

Then the king said to his sons, “We’re not stopping until we reach the woods of Ephraim. We’ve got plenty of food at home.”

So the king stood beside the gate, and all the people went out by hundreds and by thousands. Now the king had commanded Joab, Abishai, and Ittai, saying, “Deal gently for my sake with the young man Absalom.” And it so happened that as he said this, the king, David, was struck with a mote in his left eye, such that he had to blink rapidly to flush it out.

“Did you mark how the king winked at us when he said to deal gently with his son Absalom, for his sake?” Joab asked his fellows outside the tent.

“Did you mark how he said we had plenty of food at home? What did we come all this way for, if only to eat the same things we could have eaten in the palace?” said Abishai.

“I hear Barzillai has brought honey and curds all the way from Rogelim,” said Ittai. “The king was definitely winking.”

As Absalom rode out to the field of battle, he went on a mule, which went under the thick boughs of a great terebinth tree, and his head, from which hung the loveliest and heaviest hair in all of Israel, hair that Absalom prized more dearly than the most beautiful woman her maidenhood, caught in the terebinth. Absalom was left hanging between heaven and earth, beautifully.

When Joab David’s general came upon Absalom, he took three spears in his hand, and thrust them through Absalom’s heart, while he was still alive in the tangles of the terebinth tree. He rode onto David’s camp and shouted to the king, “There is good news, my lord! For the Lord has avenged you this day of all those who rose against you.”

And the king said anxiously, “Is the young man Absalom safe?”

So Joab answered, “May all the enemies of my lord the king, and all who rise against you to do harm, be exactly as safe as that young man!”

Then the king said, “Oh no, this is terrible, what an awful mistake, Joab my dearest friend, you have misunderstood me entirely — oh, what a mix-up, I never meant to wink at you — if only I were dead instead of my son, my son, Absalom, I can’t believe that he’s dead, this is the last thing I wanted, he was so alive and full of hair, how could this have happened—”

And Abishai ventured, “As long as we’re all here, and the deed done, my lord, about those curds and honey from Robelim…?”

“We have food at home,” David said sharply. “Must I repeat everything?”

[Image via]