How That Lesbian Christmas Movie Would Have Ended If You'd All Had Your Way, You Philistines

(the Philistine is me)

“It’s time for me to self-actualize,” Kristen Stewart said, and righteously delivered a monologue about lesbian best practices. Everyone’s politics were just primo stuff. And she told everybody off with a kick flip! Remember that line from Center Stage where Jodi breaks up with Cooper even though they never technically went out, but it’s still such a great moment, because she’s doing so great, for girl reasons, and who cares if her turnout isn’t perfect, because she dances like she means it, where she says he’s a great choreographer but as a boyfriend he kind of sucks? Well, in the movie, Kristen Stewart says it to that tall girl, only instead of “choreographer” she says lesbian architect, or whatever her job was, and girlfriend instead of boyfriend, and no one ever prioritized the happiness of a badly-behaved hot person ever again, and I went back in time and came out better, and then we all did that cool dance from the prom scene in She’s All That, but without even practicing it beforehand or anything, it just kind of worked out that way. And then Aubrey Plaza came out in real life, and started dating Mary Steenburgen.

My only note:

No way does Alison Brie’s type say “Sappho” bitingly at the end of a sentence castigating a lesbian for intruding into straight-sister rivalry. She’d say “dyke”! And she would say it in the mean way, in the way that hurts the feelings.

• What do you want a holiday movie to do for you?

• What do you want a holiday movie to do to you?

• What do you want an imaginary family that belongs to someone you’re mad at to do for you?

• What do you want an imaginary best friend to do for you?

• Which ex’s family do you wish you’d told off ten years ago? Mine is _______.

• Why do I sometimes want holiday movies to do the work I refuse to do in my real life?

• What do I think “work” is?

• “Protagonist” is Greek for “the fictional person whose conduct I take most personally”

• Well, certainly I’m allowed to object to the behavior of an imaginary character without turning into Mary Mapes Dodge and demanding all fiction serve a morally instructive purpose

• It’s not as if I’ve rewritten the script and published it under the title Happiest Season: The Lesbian’s Progress from This World, to That Which Is to Come, Delivered under the Similitude of a DREAM Wherein is Discovered, The manner of her setting out, Her Dangerous Journey; And safe Arrival at the Desired Countrey

• You’re allowed to object to whatever you like, Philistine! Why this preoccupation with what you are allowed to do? Are you not grown? Do you expect a Hallmark movie to teach you how to behave?

• I hate when Jack is happy. It makes me want to sit on a knife.

Honorary mention to Mary Steenburgen for one of the best Disguised Homophobia lines of all time, wealthy white mom division: “She has a very heavy tread.” An excellent horrifying mother, top 10, no question, would cower before her again, especially after she pretends to accept her daughter’s gayness but flinches every time she has to hug her friend. Sorry, girlfriend! My, but you’re particular.