You need the Moonstruck diet. You are really timid of life, an overgrown boy. You hide these qualities behind a veil of dignity but me, I see everything. I defend you against life. I take you to a restaurant, small, where all the waiters are brothers, and they know you, and we will both have the Salad Ticino. You eat what I tell you. It’s good.
You need this diet for your health. Here is what is wrong:
Your scalp, is not getting enough blood sometimes
You’re near to death. A week. Two weeks. No more
You have bad blood
Fifty years ago, your sister stole a man from you. Today she tells you that she never loved him! That she took him to be strong on you! Now she goes back to Sicily, and you have nothing.
You’ve never seen a wolf in your life
You see a wolf in everybody you ever met
You’re marrying a big baby, who isn’t even here with you telling me you’re getting married, and I don’t like his face, I don’t like his lips. When will you do it? I won’t come.
You’re gonna die
You think if you hold on to your money, you will never die. And now you’re gonna play that damn Vicki Carr record, and when you come to bed, you won’t touch me.
If you marry her, your mother will die
In time, you will drop dead, and I will come to your funeral in a red dress
Your brother took your life. They come in here! They want you to put away your heartbreak and forget! You lost your hand, you lost your bride, but Johnny has his hand, Johnny has his bride! You’re no freaking monument to justice!
You love this man. He’s the most tormented man you have ever known. You are in love with this man, but you never told him ‘cause he can never love anybody, since he lost his hand and his girl.
What you should eat on this diet:
Oxtail. A big one.
Before travel, manicotta. That will give you a base, for your stomach, which is weak.
Everywhere there is bread. They say bread is life. So you bake bread, bread, bread.
Never is a long time. Tell Bobo I want to see the dessert cart.
Big lump of butter in a red-hot pan, heavy pan, push it hissing around with a wooden spoon. Two square slices yellow bread with holes in the middle, two rounds green pepper, break eggs inside bread, push around, sunnyside, little pimento. Coffee on the stove. You won’t live here, because Pop don’t like Johnny, so we’ll sell the house.
A woman should make you a steak, bloody to feed your blood. Coffee with it, pasta with it.
Glass of whiskey
Little glass of champagne, sugar cube, dash of bitters in it
Pot full of oatmeal. You got a love bite on your neck. Johnny is home from Sicily.
What to don’t eat on this diet:
Bread from Hoboken. You are like children, stupid, in school who cannot learn. You buy bread in Hoboken, you get Hoboken water. Hoboken water is dry. Ask anybody who knows. Ask your father. He knows.
You don’t want the fish. Not before a plane ride. Not oily. You eat that oily fish, you go up in the air, halfway to Sicily you’ll be green and your hands will be sweating.
Do away with her dinner. Get a big glass of vodka. She’s too young for you. A man who can’t control his woman, is funny.
Don’t give my food to the dogs, or I’ll kick you ‘til you’re dead.
That’s too much coffee. You’ll get palpitations
Don’t stand directly under the sun. You’ve got your hat, use your hat.
Nothing is anybody’s fault, but things happen.
Copper costs money because it saves money. Understand that is right.
Bite off your own hand to save yourself from the trap of the wrong love.
Go to the Met.
You don’t need some man standing above the struggle while you roll around in the mud
Why do men chase women? I think it’s because they fear death. I can’t invite you in because I’m married, and because I know who I am.
Take hold of yourself, say yes to some things, say no to something that’s just gonna ruin everything.
The past and the future, they’re a joke. They’re nothing. They ain’t here.
You are breaking your house through pride. There. I’ve said it. I’ll say no more. I haven’t said anything. And that’s how much I’m saying.
Yesss, I can hear everyone's voice doing these lines! So good!