Get one of those little chess apps on your phone

Select “play computer”

Set the challenge level to one tick above the easiest, for sportsmanship

Move whichever piece you like

It won’t let you move a piece somewhere it’s not allowed to, so no worries there

If you lose a piece, you can hit the Undo button and go back until things are good again

If you lose a piece, seek revenge against the individual computer piece that took it

Do not be distracted by “the king,” he’s not going anywhere

Save him for last

Get all the other pieces first

Hit Undo again if you have to, it’s fine

“This feels nothing like the charged state of erotic brinksmanship between two furious, brilliant rivals”

You can’t take the king until you’ve gotten rid of all the other pieces first

Because it looks better that way

What the hell is a stalemate? I had him!

THIS IS NOT YOUR JURISDICTION, COMPUTER

Now you know how to play chess, mostly. It’s a private pleasure, and one that should be conducted between yourself and your phone, not for the delight of prying, mocking eyes. Also there is a Boggle app that is pretty good, but the 2:00 limit isn’t long enough.