Get one of those little chess apps on your phone
Select “play computer”
Set the challenge level to one tick above the easiest, for sportsmanship
Move whichever piece you like
It won’t let you move a piece somewhere it’s not allowed to, so no worries there
If you lose a piece, you can hit the Undo button and go back until things are good again
If you lose a piece, seek revenge against the individual computer piece that took it
Do not be distracted by “the king,” he’s not going anywhere
Save him for last
Get all the other pieces first
Hit Undo again if you have to, it’s fine
“This feels nothing like the charged state of erotic brinksmanship between two furious, brilliant rivals”
You can’t take the king until you’ve gotten rid of all the other pieces first
Because it looks better that way
What the hell is a stalemate? I had him!
THIS IS NOT YOUR JURISDICTION, COMPUTER
Now you know how to play chess, mostly. It’s a private pleasure, and one that should be conducted between yourself and your phone, not for the delight of prying, mocking eyes. Also there is a Boggle app that is pretty good, but the 2:00 limit isn’t long enough.
And here I am, having flashbacks to the last time I played chess on my PC. Your writing never fails to amaze!