How To Tell If You Are Stephen Maturin In a Patrick O'Brian Novel

Previously in this series: How To Tell If You Are Captain Jack Aubrey In A Patrick O’Brian Novel.

How to tell if you are in a Mary Renault novel (“Your mother hurls accusations at you while you try to eat a plum”).

How to tell if you are in a late eighteenth-century novel (“You are reconceptualizing the relationship of the individual to the collective through a series of letters to your dear friend Clare, who lives simply in the mountains”).

• You are currently falling overboard from a ship at anchor, in perfectly calm waters, in a sheltered bay, despite being held aloft by several burly midshipmen, et cetera

• You are SUCH a good duellist that your friends have to warn everyone who tries to duel you. But nobody listens!! It’s not your fault that you’re such a good duellist you kill everybody

• Jack, look at this lizard I found!!!

• You are being unnecessarily rude to a ship’s master over a bird skeleton

• You have crumbs all over your shirt. No fewer than five people have told you about it, and it is not yet noon

• You never mentally describe anyone with fewer than five adjectives in a row. No time for commas!! Sir Rothsfuss is a closehanded closemouthed unconfiding narrow-braced tightfisted man!