Impulses I Have Had To Restrain This Year

To be read in a patient, loving-yet-exasperated voice (not the author’s) to oneself.

You already have that teal cockatoo-print short-sleeved shirt. There is a point of diminishing returns when it comes to short-sleeved shirts in loud prints. You are approaching it rapidly.

Do not write an on-the-nose transition memoir called Son Of A Preacher Man. You d…