"Is He Popeable?" My Top Ten Pope Picks, Based Solely on Header Photos In Wikipedia's List of Current Cardinals

Most recently on this topic: “Babette’s Feast and the Protestant Envy of Catholicism.”

The Catholic Church needs a new Pope. For several reasons I think it unlikely I will be considered before they decide on their ultimate candidate, but nevertheless I maintain I have a stake in the decision: Everybody has to look at pictures of the Pope all the time. He’s a big part of the news! He’s always visiting other countries and having his picture taken and so on.

I differed from Pope Francis on a handful of issues, but on the whole I think he was a good Pope to look at. He looked a little like how I imagine Geppetto – a face like a placid, wise old baby, with a slightly mischevious avuncular twinkle in his eye. I don’t need the next Pope to replicate that exact experience, but I’d like my thoughts to be taken into account before the next conclave.

(Incidentally, the term preferred by Vaticanologists[!] for cardinals who seem likely candidates for the next election is “papabile,” literally Italian for “popeable.” Fantastic!!)

I have maintained a scrupulous ignorance of the values and pastoral records of each candidate for obvious reasons. The only element I have taken into account is the header photo chosen for each man on Wikipedia’s list of current cardinals, so long as he is under 80 and otherwise eligible to vote.

Categories for eligibility include: Authoritative hair, eye-twinkliness, nose character, eyebrow magnitude, sense of whimsy, and unique choir dress.

Ineligible categories include: Funny names (they’re going to pick a new papal name anyways), personal beliefs, clerical history. I don’t know, and frankly I don’t want to know.

Let’s look at the draft picks:

Matteo Zuppi

He looks like a friendly mouse, which has become an increasingly popular type of man in the last few years, culturally speaking. His smile is warm, his nose and ears are big in a way that makes him seem affectionate and approachable – I could watch him on TV and think, “Sure, that’s the Pope.” Absolutely credible.

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Leopoldo José Brenes Solórzano

I like that he wears the little origami hat, and not just the red skullcap. I also like how much he looks like an emotionally accessible Larry David. I don’t know what you call it when an old man has white hair on his head but his eyebrows are still black – ombré aging? — but I like that, too, it’s very striking. The tassel on his necklace is playful yet tasteful, while his smile is inviting yet restrained. I could watch this Pope!

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Marcello Semeraro

I’m getting an overwhelming sense of Peter Gallagher here. Tell me you wouldn’t like looking at Peter Gallagher addressing the faithful from the steps of the papal palace! I’d like that!

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Lazarus You Heung-sik

Just a terrific face for a prelate. What a smile! He’s got great hair – I like the color and the thickness, even though it’s slightly muted by the Mary Martin-style haircut. The eyebrows are a trifle understated, but there’s something to be said for restraint in a pala face, especially if we’ve got to look at his for a long time.

I don’t love the way his ecclesiastical ring, pectoral cross, and watch all clash, though. I don’t mind a Pope who tones down the glamor, but whatever the look he’s going for, it ought to be harmonious, no?

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Stephen Chow Sau-yan

What a face! What a face! The lines, the clarity, the restrained dimple…I say it again: What a face! And he holds his biretta with such casual, unnerving panache. What a face!

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Jean-Paul Vesco

An even friendlier old mouse! And the disarming hand-on-heart gesture – I must confess, I am both charmed and disarmed by it. Notes of Anton Lesser, no? I would share a humble meal in a peasant’s cottage with him, with all my heart.

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Rainer Maria Woelki

Oh, wow. Doesn’t he look like a colorized version of a World War One-era soldier? Or a lesser Roosevelt? And that thick head of hair, with the severe high bowl cut, and the prominent ears - I’ve never seen gawkiness styled so confidently. I could watch him for decades.

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Chibly Langlois

The insouciant tilt of the skullcap! The bold choice to laugh, rather than offer a restrained smile! The wrinkles of delight around his eyes, the salt and pepper curls — there’s a sort of Katharine Hepburn-style outdoors vivacity to this portrait that I simply adore. Put this man on a yacht and make him Pope!

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But number one with a bullet, as far as I’m concerned:

Joseph Coutts

Everybody pack it up and go home. Just look at that old man and try to tell me that’s not a Pope. Habemus papam, as far as I’m pertinet.

The graceful swoop of his eyebrows, the incredible lushness and yet venerable whiteness of his mane, the reverent expression, the gravity of his nose, the diamond-precise trim of his beard, the single ring as he clutches the candle…I would be delighted to look at pictures of this man on the news for the next 8 to 15 years. Honored, even.

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There you have it. Please do not tell me anything about what these men believe or how they have conducted themselves over the last 70 years. I just want a beautiful face, huge, for Pope.