It's So Good of You To Take An Interest In My Awards
with friend of the newsletter Cecilia Corrigan
Cecilia elsewhere.
D:
It's so good of you to take an interest in my awards. For someone with so many awards, I hardly ever think of them, and of course I speak of them even less often, so a great number of my friends scarcely even know I have any awards. "Have you such-and-such an award?" they might ask in passing, should a telegram or a wartime dispatch happen to mention my being a recipient. I make it a rule never to lie about such things, because there's nothing quite so unattractive as false modesty, don't you think? It's almost grasping. But if it doesn't happen to come up in the papers or the dispatches I never mention it. It's not as if I don't feel gratitude for my many awards in a really quite remarkable number of fields. Far from it! But I certainly prize more highly my excellent health, my world-renowned wardrobe, my numerous and devoted friendships, the toned and active body which belies my surprisingly mature years, my numerous and attentive lovers, my beautiful second home in the Slovene Riviera, and of course the unanimous admiration and esteem of my peers that my many awards represent, than I do my many awards themselves. But since you've come such a long way just to see them, I think we might as well.
Don't you think it's a terrible thing to conflate happiness with awards? Or success with awards? I hardly even dare conflate awards with awards. I think they're really more about the people who give them than the people who get them.
C:
Sorry angel, I have to take this….
Yes, what do you want? I’m busy I’m here with —What? You're kidding. Oh my—
(pause) (pause)
No, no I'm still here, sorry, I'm just, HA! I mean, really, are you serious? This is real. This is really happening. Oh... oh my god. So what do we.... no you're right, I should celebrate. I... I'll call you later! Oh god. Oh GOD!!! Love you love you love you.
D:
After all, what is an award but a tangible mark of distinction in recognition of general excellence and exceptional achievement in one's field?
Each of my fine awards is concentrated applause, the consolidation of motion, sound, and enthusiasm into something gold that can never break. Would you like something to drink before we begin? It's a bit of a walk to the start of the collection.
C:
Hm? Where am I? Oh, oh I'm so sorry. You were talking and I was... I'm so sorry how rude, how awful of me, I'm awful. Please, what were you saying?
D:
Have you got many awards of your own? Sorry, just trying to make conversation. Try to keep to the left-hand side here, there’s a bit of a step-down – right, there you go. It’s a bit further. We can stop if you like. I can easily ring the bell for someone if you’re thirsty. I mean no offense. Many of my visitors appreciate a break along the way. A chance to attend to the needs of the body, and to a lesser degree, the spirit. I am of course used to the distance now, but the first few times I walked over, I don’t mind telling you, I very nearly broke into a sweat myself. I should say that I consider all of my awards in the same light. They’re all very special to me, I mean. Do you give names to any of yours?
C:
I’m… Oh I must stop for a moment I do apologize. I just… oh!
Oh my god. It’s me. It’s really me!!! Ah! AH! … Oh me, how embarrassing, I can’t believe I’m weeping, I'm sorry I'm so so so sorry no really! I don’t want to worry you, you see, these aren’t tears of sadness, they’re tears of, joy, dearest I... well yes, well that was Fred and... he did just tell me, something really quite... but I don't even know how to like, say it really you know? I mean... okay, okay I'll try. Well, I mean.... I WON! I WON. I, I WON, darling!!! Oh! Hold me! Let’s share this moment in time! You-y-y-you’ll always remember that you were here w-w-w-ith me at this moment.
D:
The finer questions of storage do not interest me. The tyranny of the archive! It is enough that the awards are here, and that they are mine. This is a question for staff.
C:
I wob… I wob…
I’m so sorry, look at me! But maybe you can imagine how it feels. I just never thought this would happen. It felt like such a dream, even to be nominated, so surreal… I don’t think I believed it was really happening until this moment, you know? Oh, dear I’m afraid I’ve wept all over your, oh! No matter how much press I got, no matter how many people said kind — deeply kind — ruinously kind things, or sent extravagant gifts, or offered me their firstborn, it's always felt, like, "Really? Me? Is there someone else standing behind me?" But there never is — they're always standing in front of me, patiently holding on to their line number, bearing mortgage notes and silver ewers and cream jugs, and that sort of thing. I don't know. Gifts.
D:
To me they are very much like companions. Let us say a little higher than an animal companion….I don’t know. I really couldn’t say. A horse, perhaps. Each award is as good, or a little better than, its equivalent in horses. As good as 1.5 horses apiece.
C: “Who me? No way. No way! This little bum? You’re crackers! You’re a jester!” And now…this. To think that I stood out in that kind of competition? It can’t be real. I must be dreaming, really really dreaming! Will you pinch me? Pinch me, I’m serious! I genuinely think I’m dreaming! Haha… no? Well, don’t worry about it then. I can see that you’re just as stunned as I am. I…oh. Oh. Oh dearest…Oh, wow wow wow wow wow it happened it happened it happened oh my god.
D:
They do feel as good as the day they came home. I don’t mean to me, you understand. They feel as good to themselves. You develop a sense for this kind of thing, when you live as closely as I do, for as long as I have, among your awards. If they’re contented. If they’re bruised. If they feel you’ve lived up to the promise of each award, and if you haven’t. If you’ve – faded. And they don’t like that.
C:
Speechless doesn’t begin to cover it. It may sound absurd, but I think I finally understand the phrase “knock me over with a feather,” since it’s truly how I feel! I’m sure I sound foolish to you, to anyone who’s never experienced this. It’s such a small circle, those rarified individuals who ever receive ths honor. Oh! Oh dear! You see? I'm altogether dizzy, look at me, you don’t mind if I just collapse onto this chaise for a moment? Oh, that’s better! Might I borrow your fan? I’m a bit flushed with triumph, and I figure since you’re not, you can spare it…. Oh! I’m suddenly so sad for everyone who will never get to feel this magical feeling! If it were up to me, I would give some of the many, many accolades I’ve received to someone less fortunate, someone who hasn’t won this most elevated, most lofty of awards. How will I ever live with the guilt of having amassed so many of the highest honors and awards, when so many people don’t have any! I would have been happy with one, or three!
D:
They help me in all sorts of ways, you know. Many hands make light work. Many hands made these awards, which have hands of their own – impossibly small hands, smaller than you might think – hands that were fashioned in accordance with my will. And one can never tell, can one, how many hands they might come to need, in later days…? What did you say your name was, again?
C:
I know people might imagine that I’m used to this, but you know, you never really get used to it. The tremendous fame and public adulation, it just never starts to feel normal for someone like me. I’ve always suffered from terribly low self-esteem, really! No one believes me when I say so, but I truly don’t think I’m anything special. Certainly not godlike in my beauty, talent, and overall excellence! When I look in the mirror I just think, “oh her” you know… She’s nothing special. Just a fleck of fruitcake, a speck on God’s collar, a… a… little splatter of pesto! And now… well now I might just have to see myself a little better. I’ve never heard of a pesto winning this kind of honor.
D:
Of course, if you’d like to take an award home with you, to commemorate our meeting – please help yourself to any of them that you like. I like to see my awards out in the world, mixing with people…The common people. I think it does them real good, to see my awards. It gives them something to hope for. Gives them a standard they can hold themselves to.
C:
Can you imagine what my life is about to become? I suppose I should brace myself before everything becomes an utter blur. Let’s just take a moment, together, let’s just be here, you know? Before everyone I’ve ever met is thronging me with praise and pushing champagne into my hands, before I’m so accursedly busy with press and photo shoots that I can’t remember what it’s like to take a breath or to have a moment of boredom or sadness… I just want to let myself sit with this you know? Gosh…you know what I really feel? More than victorious or exceptional. More than proud, elated, ecstatic, superior, of a higher class, though of course I feel those things as well. But really what I feel is, grateful. Gratitude. I just feel so much gratitude. The kind of gratitude that so many others clearly feel towards me!
D:
Prizes don’t interest me very much. They’re all very well, in their way, and so are honors, perks, tokens, marks of distinction, accolades, and medals. But it’s the awards that really matter. Hadn’t you better be going now? Is someone coming for you? Would you mind very much seeing yourself out? I’m needed elsewhere in the tunnels – Good luck with everything! Remember that the key is, I think, to release any expectations about winning awards. That’s when the awards come. I do hope you feel that you’ve learned something today. Do come by if you ever happen to be in the Slovene Riviera. That’s where I keep most of my awards.
[Image via]
