Lear's Daughters in Art

GONERIL: okay well!

if you’re going to go you should probably start going

can’t get to France if you never leave

REGAN: you know I can’t curtsy because of that hip thing from last week but I can lift my skirts a little

GONERIL: and I would lift my skirts a little in a gesture of fond farewell

but I frankly think it’s inappropriate for a king’s daughter to bend even a little just to say goodbye to some regular woman who doesn’t even have a father

REGAN: oh my god Goneril that’s such a good point

okay I take it back I’m just lifting the edges of my skirt a little for fashion

please do not take this as a farewell gesture

enjoy being a French nobody

some of us have to go tell Dad how amazing he looks in his new hat

GONERIL: good luck in France

which you are going to need because last time I checked the French are not kind to girls who wear dresses the color of jaundice!!!

REGAN: oh my god RIGHT?

GONERIL: RIGHT?

REGAN: I’m so glad you said something because I truly thought I was losing my mind or something

are you like trying to win a looking washed-out contest?

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GONERIL: shouldn’t you be going???

REGAN: yeah

shouldn’t you be going or something

GONERIL: like not to be rude but how long do goodbyes really need to be

or do you have some more nothing to say lol

REGAN: lol

GONERIL: okay Regan who am I

[She stands and does nothing]

REGAN: oh my god are you Cordelia

GONERIL: I’m Cordelia!!!!!

REGAN: that is SUCH a good Cordelia

honestly for a second I was like a little freaked out because I thought there were two Cordelias here

GONERIL: oh my god can you IMAGINE

REGAN: can you IMAGINE!!!!

okay okay wait you be Dad and I’ll be Cordelia

GONERIL: okay SO

Do you love me? And/or do you ever want to have money again

REGAN: HMMMMMMMMMMM

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ZRRRRRRRRRRRRR

GONERIL: “I’m Cordelia, I don’t understand figurative speech”

REGAN: “What’s hyperbole, I’ve never heard of it, even though I live in a royal court where pretty much everyone deploys over-the-top language to demarcate rank, status, and power pretty much every second of the day”

GONERIL: “I’m Cordelia, I only speak shepherdess”

REGAN: God you’re the worst

GONERIL: you wan little bitch

if you’re not out of the country in five minutes I’m just going to drown you and I refuse to feel bad about it

REGAN: I will not let you feel bad about it!

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GONERIL: can you believe her

REGAN: I cannot beLIEVE her

GONERIL: Now we’re the assholes for saying we like Dad?

REGAN: that’s a crime now?? Being nice to the King of England is a crime now??

GONERIL: guess they’d better LOCK US UP

REGAN: Sorry for respecting the King and stewarding Cornwall effectively!!!!

GONERIL: this is even worse than the thing at Christmas

REGAN: ohmigod I reMEMberrrrr

GONERIL: she’s going to be so happy when they invent linear perspective

REGAN: ?

GONERIL: because of how much she loves to PULL FOCUS

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GONERIL: SHE’S FAKING IT

REGAN: SHE’S FAKING IT

GONERIL: Just let her fall!!!!

REGAN: She does this all the time! You are literally so sweet for trying to hold her up but I swear to God she “passes out” over everything

GONERIL: She “fainted” at Easter because she thought her egg was the smallest

REGAN: like please just ignore her

you’ll actually be doing her a favor

GONERIL: she faked leprosy last year to get out of being a bridesmaid at my wedding

REGAN: 100%

GONERIL: next day she was just like “false alarm”

REGAN: “thought my fingers were falling off but turns out they were just loose”

GONERIL: just let her fall down

REGAN: LET her fall DOWN

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GONERIL: is this portionless bitch POINTING at me?

REGAN: Honestly don’t even look at her Goneril

GONERIL: she’s POINTING at me

you may have faked leprosy but keep it up and I promise you that’s a sure-fire way to for real lose a finger!

REGAN: she’s so not worth it. Goneril, she’s so not worth it

Just ignore her. She’s finally leaving

GONERIL: don’t point at me I’ll point at you

I will heave your heart into your mouth FOR YOU

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REGAN: “Nothing, my lord”?

GONERIL: Oh, nothing, my lord? “nothing for me, thanks, I just ate”??? “if you love Dad so much why don’t you just marry him?”

REGAN: it’s a FIGURE OF SPEECH, Cordelia

GONERIL: JESUS it’s a FIGURE of SPEECH

REGAN: no one’s giving Dad their goddamn eyes you weirdo

it’s just an expression

GONERIL: oh I’m sorry for being NICE to DAD

who’s like a THOUSAND by the way

REGAN: sorry for being NICE to DAD who is like a THOUSAND and literally JUST announced he’s giving away all his stuff so he can “crawl towards death unburdened”

you’re right

he’s totally in the headspace for some tough love

you sure showed us girl!!!

GONERIL: yeah you sure showed us, making Dad cry in front of all his employees

great work

REGAN: thanks for setting such a great example! I for one plan on screaming at Dad during dinner until he falls off his chair

GONERIL: I’ll kick him while he’s at prayers

REGAN: oh and like a sister I’m most loath to call your faults as they are named

but while we are at it that is a literally insane number of ribbons to weave around your sleeves

GONERIL: LITERALLY INSANE NUMBER

THANK you by the way

I thought that was just me

REGAN: oh my God no

I think we pretty much all noticed it

we just didn’t want to say anything because we were trying to be polite

but apparently those days are over!

GONERIL: oh those days are very much over!

and if you think you’re leaving court without returning all my shoes you’ve borrowed over the years

you have got another thing coming!

REGAN: “Well may you prosper” go FUCK yourself

I cannot believe the gall of this ribbons bitch with her milkmaid face

GONERIL: give me my shoes back and then get out of here before I shave your head

REGAN: imagine whiffing a setup as easy as “tell your Dad you love him and in exchange receive a third of England”

there she goes, the national whiffing champion, who can’t dress for shit

GONERIL: God I hate her

REGAN: I can’t even talk about it

I can’t even talk about how much I hate her

GONERIL: which is funny because she can’t talk about how much she loves anyone!!!!

REGAN: guess it runs in the family!

GONERIL: well now it’s running out of the family

REGAN: oh my god you’re so bad

I’m honestly SO grateful for you

GONERIL: oh my God no I’m so grateful for you

I honestly don’t know how we’ve survived putting up with her for all these years

REGAN: but since she’s brought it up do you think maybe we should just degrade and harass Dad until he dies?

GONERIL: oh I’m happy to if that’s what you want? I am not at all attached to him surviving or whatever

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