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Lear's Daughters in Art
GONERIL: okay well!
if you’re going to go you should probably start going
can’t get to France if you never leave
REGAN: you know I can’t curtsy because of that hip thing from last week but I can lift my skirts a little
GONERIL: and I would lift my skirts a little in a gesture of fond farewell
but I frankly think it’s inappropriate for a king’s daughter to bend even a little just to say goodbye to some regular woman who doesn’t even have a father
REGAN: oh my god Goneril that’s such a good point
okay I take it back I’m just lifting the edges of my skirt a little for fashion
please do not take this as a farewell gesture
enjoy being a French nobody
some of us have to go tell Dad how amazing he looks in his new hat
GONERIL: good luck in France
which you are going to need because last time I checked the French are not kind to girls who wear dresses the color of jaundice!!!
REGAN: oh my god RIGHT?
REGAN: I’m so glad you said something because I truly thought I was losing my mind or something
are you like trying to win a looking washed-out contest?
GONERIL: shouldn’t you be going???
shouldn’t you be going or something
GONERIL: like not to be rude but how long do goodbyes really need to be
or do you have some more nothing to say lol
GONERIL: okay Regan who am I
[She stands and does nothing]
REGAN: oh my god are you Cordelia
GONERIL: I’m Cordelia!!!!!
REGAN: that is SUCH a good Cordelia
honestly for a second I was like a little freaked out because I thought there were two Cordelias here
GONERIL: oh my god can you IMAGINE
REGAN: can you IMAGINE!!!!
okay okay wait you be Dad and I’ll be Cordelia
GONERIL: okay SO
Do you love me? And/or do you ever want to have money again
GONERIL: “I’m Cordelia, I don’t understand figurative speech”
REGAN: “What’s hyperbole, I’ve never heard of it, even though I live in a royal court where pretty much everyone deploys over-the-top language to demarcate rank, status, and power pretty much every second of the day”
GONERIL: “I’m Cordelia, I only speak shepherdess”
REGAN: God you’re the worst
GONERIL: you wan little bitch
if you’re not out of the country in five minutes I’m just going to drown you and I refuse to feel bad about it
REGAN: I will not let you feel bad about it!
GONERIL: can you believe her
REGAN: I cannot beLIEVE her
GONERIL: Now we’re the assholes for saying we like Dad?
REGAN: that’s a crime now?? Being nice to the King of England is a crime now??
GONERIL: guess they’d better LOCK US UP
REGAN: Sorry for respecting the King and stewarding Cornwall effectively!!!!
GONERIL: this is even worse than the thing at Christmas
REGAN: ohmigod I reMEMberrrrr
GONERIL: she’s going to be so happy when they invent linear perspective
GONERIL: because of how much she loves to PULL FOCUS
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GONERIL: SHE’S FAKING IT
REGAN: SHE’S FAKING IT
GONERIL: Just let her fall!!!!
REGAN: She does this all the time! You are literally so sweet for trying to hold her up but I swear to God she “passes out” over everything
GONERIL: She “fainted” at Easter because she thought her egg was the smallest
REGAN: like please just ignore her
you’ll actually be doing her a favor
GONERIL: she faked leprosy last year to get out of being a bridesmaid at my wedding
GONERIL: next day she was just like “false alarm”
REGAN: “thought my fingers were falling off but turns out they were just loose”
GONERIL: just let her fall down
REGAN: LET her fall DOWN
GONERIL: is this portionless bitch POINTING at me?
REGAN: Honestly don’t even look at her Goneril
GONERIL: she’s POINTING at me
you may have faked leprosy but keep it up and I promise you that’s a sure-fire way to for real lose a finger!
REGAN: she’s so not worth it. Goneril, she’s so not worth it
Just ignore her. She’s finally leaving
GONERIL: don’t point at me I’ll point at you
I will heave your heart into your mouth FOR YOU
REGAN: “Nothing, my lord”?
GONERIL: Oh, nothing, my lord? “nothing for me, thanks, I just ate”??? “if you love Dad so much why don’t you just marry him?”
REGAN: it’s a FIGURE OF SPEECH, Cordelia
GONERIL: JESUS it’s a FIGURE of SPEECH
REGAN: no one’s giving Dad their goddamn eyes you weirdo
it’s just an expression
GONERIL: oh I’m sorry for being NICE to DAD
who’s like a THOUSAND by the way
REGAN: sorry for being NICE to DAD who is like a THOUSAND and literally JUST announced he’s giving away all his stuff so he can “crawl towards death unburdened”
he’s totally in the headspace for some tough love
you sure showed us girl!!!
GONERIL: yeah you sure showed us, making Dad cry in front of all his employees
REGAN: thanks for setting such a great example! I for one plan on screaming at Dad during dinner until he falls off his chair
GONERIL: I’ll kick him while he’s at prayers
REGAN: oh and like a sister I’m most loath to call your faults as they are named
but while we are at it that is a literally insane number of ribbons to weave around your sleeves
GONERIL: LITERALLY INSANE NUMBER
THANK you by the way
I thought that was just me
REGAN: oh my God no
I think we pretty much all noticed it
we just didn’t want to say anything because we were trying to be polite
but apparently those days are over!
GONERIL: oh those days are very much over!
and if you think you’re leaving court without returning all my shoes you’ve borrowed over the years
you have got another thing coming!
REGAN: “Well may you prosper” go FUCK yourself
I cannot believe the gall of this ribbons bitch with her milkmaid face
GONERIL: give me my shoes back and then get out of here before I shave your head
REGAN: imagine whiffing a setup as easy as “tell your Dad you love him and in exchange receive a third of England”
there she goes, the national whiffing champion, who can’t dress for shit
GONERIL: God I hate her
REGAN: I can’t even talk about it
I can’t even talk about how much I hate her
GONERIL: which is funny because she can’t talk about how much she loves anyone!!!!
REGAN: guess it runs in the family!
GONERIL: well now it’s running out of the family
REGAN: oh my god you’re so bad
I’m honestly SO grateful for you
GONERIL: oh my God no I’m so grateful for you
I honestly don’t know how we’ve survived putting up with her for all these years
REGAN: but since she’s brought it up do you think maybe we should just degrade and harass Dad until he dies?
GONERIL: oh I’m happy to if that’s what you want? I am not at all attached to him surviving or whatever