Mottos of the Queens of Henry VIII

Mildred Wonderful: “Henry is a pleasure to have in class.” Executed for sleeping in.

It can be difficult to think about the wives of Henry VIII without giving ourselves for credit for hindsight. So we reflect on Anne Boleyn’s brief tenure as one characterized by constant harbingers of impending doom, and read “The Most Happy” not as an acknowledgement of gratitude and good luck but as an obvious indicator of hubris, and give Anne of Cleves credit for securing a relatively-safe annulment, as if she were simply a better negotiator than the others, instead of harder to execute by virtue of being a foreign princess and not an English subject to the Crown.

At least it’s difficult for me, much of the time; possibly you are a better student of history than I have been. I always find their queenly mottos at best poignant and at worst bitterly ironic. Calling yourself “The one who only wants things the king also wants” and getting beheaded in less than two years is rough.

Of course things only got worse after the tenure of the initial six. Many people have no idea how many wives Henry VIII actually had. We may never be able to discern the actual number, but there are persuasive records attesting to at least twenty more. I present to you a loose timeline of their mottos and fates:

Katherine of Aragon: “Humble and Loyal.” Divorced.

Anne Boleyn: “The Most Happy.” Executed for adultery and witchcraft.

Jane Seymour: “Bound to Obey and Serve.” Died after childbirth.

Anne of Cleves: “God send me well to keep.” Annulled.

Katherine Howard: “No other will but His.” Executed for adultery.

Katherine Parr: “To be useful in all that I do.” Outlived Henry.

Elizabeth of Durham: “I was thinking the same thing.” Executed for refusing to sign Oath of Henry’s Terrificness in 1547.

Mary Carew: “All sons, no feelings.” Still living today.

Katherine De La Bere: “More Katherine than Katherine.” Returned to De La Bere estates after beating Henry at chess.

Ursula Livesalot: “Honored to be nominated.” Forgotten on Royal Progress in Norfolk.

Edith Dudley: “Fertile. Easy going. Never even heard of adultery before. Is that some kind of shoe.” Died natural causes.

Agnes Fisher: “Don’t Mind Me, I’m Not Here.” Mailed to Denmark as part of diplomatic gift exchange.

Joan Guy: “Up with Henry.” Lost in royal gardens.

Margery Grain-Riots: “The only thing I hate more than monasteries is daughters.” Died theatrical accident.

Alice Louth: “When Henry leaves the room I just fall asleep.” Given to Anne of Cleves as Christmas present.

Alathea, Baroness Dacre: “I’ll have what Henry’s having.” Vanished in Christmas-Carol-style Scrooge accident.

Cecily Portrait: “Alice Louth, bitch and liar.” Died Battle of the Somme, mentioned in dispatches.

Anne Fitzhugh: “Can’t believe it’s September already.” Executed for looking more like a Katherine.

Sybilla Responsibility: “Cut me down, I grow back stronger.” Executed on seven separate occasions; pensioned off with estates in Lancashire after regrowing an eighth head from the neck stump.

Elinor of Lincoln: “Semper vigilans.” Died during tunnel collapse trying to dig her way out of England.

Mathilda of Jervaulx: “Those who are late, are poorly seated.” Failed to renew contract after disappointing first season.

Joyce Culpeper-Henryfan: “Forever faithful, forever young.” Picture of Dorian Grey situation after being painted by Hans Holbein.

Margaret Obedience: “Sleep but keep watch.” Banned from court under suspicion of being Anne Boleyn.

Carolina Legitimate: “Doing my best.” Executed for ruining Christmas.

Mathilde the Brotherless: “Accuracy. Power. Speed.” Lost in hunting accident.

Rebecca of Guernsey: “Kill a thousand, and a thousand more will come.” Carried off by birds.

Scholastica Verney: “An injury to one is an injury to all.” Executed out of solidarity with other executed wives.

Anne Boleyn III: “Wife. Fight. Win.” Executed for violating sumptuary laws.

Helen Knollys: “Where Tradition Meets Innovation.” Died alchemical explosion, attempting to turn gold into sons.

Sally of Somerset: “This one’s for the People of Somerset.” Pressed to death on suspicion of overcharging for candles.

Mildred Wonderful: “Henry is a pleasure to have in class.” Executed for sleeping in.

Blanche Coastal Security: “In Every Neighborhood, A Henry.” Fell in battle off the coast of Dover defeating the Spanish Armada.

Philippa Execution: “The dose makes the poison.” Early release for good behavior.

Gwendolyn Prayer-Book: “The sea-wife.” Due to a legal technicality, Gwendolyn’s marriage to Henry VIII was legal only while he was on-board a ship or crossing over running water. Executed for treason.

Jeanne Never-Die: “It is solved by walking.” Executed for Welshness.

Thomasina Waldegrave: “Let me be judged not by my words but by the number of long-lived and red-headed sons I produce.” Accidentally killed during gavotte with Charles V, HRE.

Barbara Clerical-Error: “There is a day for everybody.” Only existed as administrative error.

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