"Murder Most Noticeable"

Part One

A few months ago I was struck with the compulsion to write a very silly and affectionate script for a small-town murder mystery, which for legal purposes has nothing to do with Angela Lansbury’s body of work. Here is the first installment of a program that ought to air on a Sunday afternoon in February when the weather’s no good, called:

MURDER MOST NOTICEABLE

FADE IN: A black screen. An unseen figure announces:

Tonight, on MURDER MOST NOTICEABLE!

EXT. MAIN STREET – DAY 

A venerable-looking old TOWN FATHER stops and addresses an offscreen character. He’s clearly offended.

TOWN FATHER: I suggest you watch your tone. My wife happens to be a homosexual.

INT. CHARLOTTE QUERYABLE’S TASTEFUL LIVING ROOM - DAY

A SHERIFF’S DEPUTY walks slowly towards CHARLOTTE, who is looking anxiously towards someone just offscreen. 

DEPUTY: I saw a car double-parked outside and I knew there must be something wrong – why, Charlotte, that man’s holding a gun!

INT. MEAT LOCKER - DAY 

CHARLOTTE QUERYABLE leans around a door frame into a crime scene being investigated by two detectives. They’re so busy studying the corpse in the middle of the room they’ve failed to notice the ceremonial dagger lodged between the cooling units arranged against the back wall. She gestures lightly towards it.

CHARLOTTE: Oh, Chief Goshen? There seems to be something you’ve overlooked on the floor...much as you’re overlooking me now. 

The SHERIFF and DETECTIVE look at one another, abashed. You should never overlook CHARLOTTE QUERYABLE. 

EXT. MAIN STREET – DAY 

Mayoral candidate TERRENCE BYWATER impatiently waves aside a basket of freshly-baked muffins in front of a crowd of curious townsfolk. 

TERRENCE: Listen, the last thing this town needs is another muffin shop. And you had better believe that once I’m elected mayor, I’ll be putting a stop to this preposterous proliferation of pastry parlors.

INT. AN OFFICE - DAY 

We’re inside an old-fashioned office belonging to town doctor ETHAN BARTLEBY. He’s talking to CHARLOTTE. 

CHARLOTTE: You can’t possibly believe that a parrot would have been capable of changing Diana Holcomb’s will! How would a bird even begin to hold a pen? 

ETHAN: But Charlotte, that’s just it: Diana always dictated her legal documents. All the bird would have had to do was push the phone off the hook once her lawyer called…