My Audition Packet For The Tonight Show In 1952

I spent the last eight days mostly-feverish and unable to sleep, so I passed the fitful time listening to a lot of Steve Allen books on tape in a sullen, half-hearted state of consciousness. The fever passed, but I am reshaped by it, like a landscape after the retreat of a hot glacier (which I suppose would be lava). During this time, I wrote down as many Steve Allen-type one-liners as I could, as if at any moment I might be called upon to audition for the 1950s version of The Tonight Show. 

I enclose them here in the same spirit in which the Nanny incinerated all the Boy’s clothes and toys at the end of The Velveteen Rabbit. Everything the fever touched must burn.

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Monologue Openers and One-Liners

“I’m trying to get some word of mouth going, create some buzz. I just haven’t decided about what yet.”

“I got thrown out of the Harvard Club last week. Must have been my Yale socialization.” 

“I’ll tell you this for free – but laughing’ll cost ya.”

“I’m working on a memoir. It’s based on my experiences. Well, it’s based on experiences.”

“I don’t know why they call it a fool’s errand. Everybody has to run errands.”

“You know, I’d hate to be in a position where I owed a rat a favor or something.”

“Boy, beef jerky is terrific for when you want to take the wet out of meat.” 

“You hardly ever hear about chariot races these days.” 

“With town criers, it’s always Oyez, oyez — never “Hark, I’m listening.” 

“Among other things, death really limits your ability to play the banjo.”

“The thing about quotes is they’re a great way to find out what people have said. Well, might have said.”

“Do you think there are special herbs they grow just for strewing? Maybe it’s just me, but it’s hard to imagine somebody strewing paprika and being taken seriously.”

“I’m gonna save the home viewer a lot of time and money. I’m gonna teach you how to sing the National Anthem in just one note.”

“This one’s for all those harquebusiers out there…”

“I’d like to get in on this wassailing business. Here we go a-wassailing — why not me?”

“You don’t hear much from poinsettia in April.”

“Went in for a physical last month. Doctor tells me I’ve got six months to live. ‘Tell it to me straight, Doc,” I said to him. “How will this affect my ability to play the banjo?’”

“I think I’d have a better time if things worked out more often.”

“It’s insulting to treat the kid’s table like a game. Dinner is still happening here. Be respectful.”

“You know, dirt’s a pretty essential part of the whole underground experience.”

“Here’s a tip from me to you: They can’t stop you from reading the ingredients label even if you’re not going to buy anything.”

“I’m a pretty trusting guy, but if someone asked me to spend a night in a haunted mansion, I’d want to see the bed first.”

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Guest Intros

“Folks, you hardly need me to introduce my next guest. You know him, you love him, they don’t call him the Eunuch from Munich for nothing –” 

“It looks like Monsier Claude Wonderful is in the building tonight. Let’s see if we can’t tempt him onstage with a juicy plate of spaghetti!” 

“Here he comes, the Hoboken Hassle himself –”

“Next up – straight from Hobby University – it’s Professor Harmonica!”

“Stick around after the break for Aunt Jacket, Buddy Grandma, and a visit from America Immediately!”

“My next guest, Constance Happenstance –” 

“My next guest, Sitstill Carter –” 

“My next guests, Sag Sandon and Godfrey Talbots–” 

“My next guest, Hours Santelli –” 

“My next guest, Plymouth Sipperly–” 

“My next guests are Burr Dembo and Brick Fedderson –” 

“My next guest, Bett Avuncular –”

“A little later, I’ll be talking with Woody Mintmaster and Zsa Zsa Tendency about their latest project, Which Way Is West?”

“I hope you’re ready for a visit from ‘Vital’ Herb Sidney at the top of the hour –” 

“My next guest, Variety Forrest –” 

“My next guest, Douglas Havoc –” 

“My next guests, Wes Ritual and Dot Certainty –” 

“Let’s hear it for my next guest, Hal Unavailable!” 

“Next up, Little Miss Daylight and Gene Curtains; later in the hour, we’ve got Simples McPugg, J. Augur Fullerton, and Jarles Frelson Dairy –” 

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Commercial and Station Announcements

“After this, the Raleigh Dental Association’s Variety Hour –”

“Next up, The Eric von Stroheim Show with the Mellow Gin Players! Mellow Gin: It keeps the mellow in.” 

“Stay tuned after the program for Harpo Marx and ‘Clap Once For Yesterday.’”

“After us, it’s ‘Guess That Train’ and ‘The Chandelier Gang.’”

“I sure hope you’ll keep watching after our show, because there’s a new program at 11:30 you’re sure to enjoy – that’s ‘Bon Mots With Don Knotts.’” 

“Keep watching for ‘Find The Irishman’ and ‘Quarter Past A Hare.’” 

“After this, ‘Which Milkman Is Which?’ with Jazz Hampton and the Standish Getz band.” 

“Next up is ‘Diagnosis: Laughter,’ hosted by Tim Nephews.”

“Stick around for ‘This’ll Tickle’ with Edith ‘Wolfie’ Vera-Vera.” 

“Later tonight, it’s ‘Can You Steal From Groucho?’ and ‘Where’s My Hat?’ with Dolores Peaches.”

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Sign-offs and Stingers

“Carburation is the sincerest form of battery.” 

“Vegetation is the sincerest form of celery.” 

“Dictation is the sincerest form of chattery.”

“Pulverization is the sincerest form of daiquiri.”

“Operation is the sincerest form of quackery.”

“Inhalation: the sincerest form of olfactory.” 

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