MALADAPTED HUMAN: I AM WATCHING A MOVIE WITH A LOVER OR ROOMMATE. THINGS APPEAR TO BE GOING WELL. ONE OF THE ACTORS LOOKS FAMILIAR
YESBOT: Yes, you’ve probably seen him acting in something else. Another movie, or a TV show.
MALADAPTED HUMAN: I’VE SEEN HIM IN SOMETHING ELSE BEFORE.
YESBOT: That’s almost certainly true. Yes.
MALADAPTED HUMAN: YESBOT, I KNOW HIM. BUT YET I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I KNOW. MY OWN FRAME OF REFERENCE REMAINS A MYSTERY TO ME.
YESBOT: Such is often the condition of knowledge.
MALADAPTED HUMAN: I HAVE TO TELL SOMEONE.
YESBOT: Is that necessary?
MALADAPTED HUMAN: VERY.
YESBOT: Is it necessary, or does it merely feel urgent?
MALADAPTED HUMAN: THAT IS A DISTINCTION WITHOUT A DIFFERENCE, YESBOT.
YESBOT: Does your friend seem to be struggling over this?
MALADAPTED HUMAN: I DON’T KNOW!!!
YESBOT: Start small. Say, “Oh, that guy—” and see what happens.
MALADAPTED HUMAN: THEY MUMBLED “HMM” IN A LARGELY-FLAT AFFECT. WHAT DO I DO
YESBOT: They do not care. They agree that you probably have seen him in something else, but are not interested in either pausing or ignoring the movie in order to look him up and find out what episode of Arrested Development he played a cater-waiter in, or what weirdly-dubbed bootleg version of The Sea Prince and Fire Child you grew up renting from Hollywood Video where he voiced the old turtle. They are content to take on faith they have seen this actor act in something else before. You will not contribute to their enjoyment of either the movie, your company, or this evening writ large if you push this further.
MALADAPTED HUMAN: BUT I KNOW HIM. FROM SOMETHING. I SWEAR IT.
YESBOT: Yes, you do know him. But will with it profit ye, if you say, “I know him, and it turns out I know him from a 1999 episode of Law & Order, or from an old episode of Chuck you once recapped for a website that no longer exists, or a terrible independently-financed gay romantic comedy,” and gain in knowledge, but lose your companion’s interest?
MALADAPTED HUMAN: I JUST FEEL LIKE IT WILL FEEL VERY GOOD FOR BOTH OF US, IF I CAN STOP THE MOVIE AND DO THIS EVERY TIME SOME NEW ACTOR’S FACE CREATES THIS IDENTICAL FEELING OF URGENCY WITHIN MY SPIRIT.
YESBOT: I think maybe it will not feel as good as you think it will feel now. Remember how every time you quit smoking you start thinking how good it would feel to start smoking again, even though every time you smoke you feel sick and terrible and overly-nicotined? Also, isn’t the answer “Stephen Tobolowsky” most of the time anyway?
MALADAPTED HUMAN: THAT’S HOW I FEEL ABOUT MOST THINGS. BUT I KNOW THIS TIME IT’S DIFFERENT. LET ME LOOK HIM UP.
YESBOT: How about you look him up later? After the movie?
MALADAPTED HUMAN: IT WON’T BE THE SAME IN AN HOUR.
YESBOT: Why won’t it be the same in an hour?
MALADAPTED HUMAN: YOU MOTHERFUCKER — I’LL KILL YOU — I’LL KILL YOU —