Possibly-Explicable Things People Sometimes Say About Cooking Beans

“Stop worrying about soaking your beans. You’ve spent a cumulative eight months of your one wild and precious life fretting about soaked beans. You know what you could be doing with that time? Making more beans, for one things.”

“Stop SOAKING your BEANS. Beans aren’t precious. They’re hearty, earth-wrapped bullets of nutrition density, and they turn from stones to pillows with the encouragement of hot water. You don’t need to give them a bath overnight. You’re coddling them. You’re a terrible mother.”

“You just discovered beans this year, but I’ve been involved with beans since before the earth opened her eyes to the sky. You’re a latecomer and a gatecrasher and beans do not know your name.”

“Stop letting people tell you that you don’t have to soak your beans. Why are we overthinking centuries of bean tradition? Is it really that much work to put them under a tap for five minutes before you go to bed?

“Cooking beans is QUICK and EASY and don’t let anyone tell you different.”

“Cooking beans is a PRECARIOUS ALCHEMY that requires the propitiation of several root-based gods, and it’s ridiculous that anyone would try to pretend otherwise. Just do it right the first time. it’s not easy, but it is simple.”

“No, beans aren’t simple; you’ve been deceived, and not for the first time.”

“Be honest: You only talk about cooking beans because you want to come across as wholesome, fresh-faced, and above the fray – we all see through this bullshit Marie Antoinette-in-a-shepherdess-outfit routine you’re trying to pull. You’re trying to turn beans into some sort of PR shtick. It’s obvious, it’s pathetic, and it’s not working.”

“Just because you weren’t cooking dried beans in 2015 doesn’t mean nobody else was.”

“A shtick? Ever heard of a little thing called ‘The Great Depression’?”


“Oh, put in the salt whenever you want, it’s fine.”


“Beans are incapable of fear. Open the salt shaker.”

“You’re asking too much of beans. You’re expecting too much of beans. Beans cannot answer for decades of factory farming, and –”


“The reason your beans never soften even after five hours of simmering is because you are not pure of heart.”

“Yeah, it’s because you’re not pure of heart, and you don’t have clarity of purpose. Beans can tell that, and all the salt in the world won’t distract them from your imperfection of spirit.”

“Just open a can of –”


“Yeah, shut up about cans.”