Romulus and Remus Debrief After Date Night
REMUS: how was the date?
ROMULUS: how do you think it went
REMUS: Well, I think it’s important to leave room for the possibility that you don’t always know how someone is going to react to you
ROMULUS: Let me put it in a slightly different way, then: What are the two things everybody knows about us?
REMUS: I don’t think it’s healthy to assume that everybody knows about us
I’m sure plenty of people have never heard of us
ROMULUS: People know two things. One, that we’re twins. Two, that we know what dog milk tastes like. So go ahead and guess what her first two questions for me were
REMUS: I’m sorry things didn’t work out
ROMULUS: all girls are perverts
REMUS: That’s not true
ROMULUS: they don’t want to hear about shepherding or Rome or augury
every time, it’s “I’ve always thought dog milk must taste at least a little like dog food” and “So you’re identical, right? You two ever…?”
Perverts, every one of them
REMUS: not Mom
ROMULUS: God
I really wish I could believe you were talking about the woman who gave birth to us when you say that
REMUS: I don’t know why it’s so important to you that we maintain such a strict distinction between them
ROMULUS: Because one of them was our MOTHER and one of them was a DOG who HELPED US ONCE
REMUS: She was a SHE-WOLF
And she had a name!
ROMULUS: And I don’t understand why you insist on calling her that
You don’t call me a he-person
So why is she a she-wolf
REMUS: I don’t know the niceties of wolf etymology
But have it your own way! Lupa, then
ROMULUS: And I appreciate what she did
But she was not our mother
REMUS: You don’t have to reject Lupa in order to love our human mother, you know
ROMULUS: Not our human mother
ONLY MOTHER
You know what? Let me just give you this girl’s number and you can go out with her
Talk about dog milk and mothers all damn day
I’m going to go build Rome
DO NOT FOLLOW ME
[Image via]
OK, when I was a very small child, we had a dog named Agnes who had puppies. I barely remember her. I am not sure I really do remember her -- maybe I just remember being told stories. Anyway, apparently a neighborhood boy was caught nursing from Agnes. He said he wanted to see what dog milk tasted like! I would imagine it tastes much like any other milk. I tasted a drop of my own milk back in the day and honestly, it was very much like cow's milk, but sweeter. Most milks are quite similar, superficially. If anybody really wants to go down a rabbit hole, the medical textbook by Dr. Ruth Lawrence called "Breastfeeding: A Guide for the Medical Profession" has a chart comparing the composition of dozens of mammal milks. (In a different life, I worked with nursing moms and had all sorts of books like this.)
Geez, men would rather go off and build Rome than go to therapy!