The seven Pontipee brothers live in the woods with their seven legendary hungers
Their mother was a she-wolf and their father was a Roman hill
Their hunger is for Wife, Wives, and Wifedom
Adam Pontipee is the most powerfully red-headed of the seven, which subsequently casts him as the Bloodhound
He is sent to the nearest town to smell out Wife, to proclaim her Wifeliness and identify her through bass-baritone echolocation
“You wouldn’t happen to have a wife under the counter there? I’m looking for a wife.”
Adam crosses the town to announce his wife-hunger and bless the skin of all its women, for in that sea of women swims the fish of wifeliness
Women : Wives :: Cocoon :
You’re Adam Pontipee! Your voice is in the basement of God’s ribs. Can you find a wife before your brothers starve to death from not knowing how to sweep? Your boys need flapjacks turned by the hand of a specific woman, or else they will collapse back into trees, bears, and dust. Make an announcement. Your brothers are so, so hungry. Seven is the hungriest number, and their hands don’t know anything.
Wifelessness is making us beasts
Wifelessness is making beasts of us
Wifelessness is turning brothers into cats
“The crying sounded even louder out of doors. It was as if all the pain in the world had found a voice. Yet had I known such pain was in the next room, and had it been dumb, I believe — I have thought since — I could have stood it well enough. It is when suffering finds a voice and sets our nerves quivering that this pity comes troubling us. But in spite of the brilliant sunlight and the green fans of the trees waving in the soothing sea-breeze, the world was a confusion, blurred with drifting black and red phantasms, until I was out of earshot of the house in the stone wall.”
They are mad; they are fools, said the Dog-man.
You are Milly Pontipee! You are the size of Tinkerbell, with all Tinkerbell’s fevered delight in hunting women-people!
“Hello, brothers! Have you hunted women? Let me tell you their secrets. Rabbits take to guns, fish to hooks, women to going.”
“Cultural reactions to red hair have varied from ridicule to admiration”
The Queen of Morocco has red hair
That’s true of right now
Red hair is associated with sensitivity to ultraviolet light, decreased vitamin K levels, resistance to anesthesia, idiosyncratic pain tolerance,
Red is the rarest of natural human hair color
The Pontipee brothers are a sevenfold rarity
How can something rare happen seven times?
Rarity exists at scale rather than by case.
“Yet I am of the opinion that this defect arises chiefly from a perverse, restive disposition; for they are cunning, malicious, treacherous, and revengeful. They are strong and hardy, but of a cowardly spirit, and, by consequence, insolent, abject, and cruel. It is observed, that the red haired of both sexes are more libidinous and mischievous than the rest, whom yet they much exceed in strength and activity.” (Gulliver’s Travels, Jonathan Swift)
In European art, Judas and Mary Magdalene are often portrayed as redheads
In the Malleus Maleficarum, red hair is the sign of a vampire
Adam assures the brothers of the pleasures of crying women, but — paradoxically — they can only announce their proficiency in ending crying in women
We’ll make them smile, but all the fun is stored in the tears, like when your mother lied to you and said that the crust of bread is where all the vitamins are and that’s why you have to eat it
That’s not true at all
Well, maybe a little true, but not as true as she made it sound at the time
Unhappy women are the most wonderful thing in the world to have
The women are placed in the attic for their wife-transformations, since that’s where dust is born
The women are hungry too — as hungry as brothers
They are hungry for SPRING and BRIDEFULNESS
They are hungry to be married not once but in constant repetition
Here comes the bride! Here come the brides! Here come the brides again! Here they come again! The brides are back, and better than ever! These brides are at it again! These brides are coming! These brides are coming again! April showers bring BRIDE — That’s what they say! They are here to eat spring and weather and husband.
Now everyone is kidnapped and no one is hungry!
Now all the monsters live in the woods together, eating each other up and thinking of Bible names.