The following poem is to be read in John Mulaney’s “Someone’s in here! Someone’s in here” interrupted-by-knocking-in-a-public-bathroom voice.

The voice in your head should sound like my girlfriend saying, “Ugh, that guy” whenever someone mentions John Mulaney

I used the men’s room yesterday! I don’t always! But yesterday I did!

And I thought, oh no! Oh …