The Courtship of Penelope

Minerva said, “But tell me, and tell me true, what is the meaning of all this feasting, and who are these people? What is it all about? Have you some banquet, or is there a wedding in the family? For no one seems to be bringing any provisions of his own.”

“Sir,” said Telemachus, “Heaven has laid sorrows upon me of yet another kind; for the chiefs from all our islands, Dulichium, Same, and the woodland island of Zacynthus, as also all the principal men of Ithaca itself, are eating up my house under the pretext of paying their court to my mother, who will neither point blank say that she will not marry, nor yet bring matters to an end; so they are making havoc of my estate, and before long will do so also with myself.”

“Is that so?” exclaimed Minerva, “then you do indeed want Ulysses home again. Give him his helmet, shield, and a couple of lances, and if he is the man he was when I first knew him in our house, drinking and making merry, he would soon lay his hands about these rascally suitors, were he to stand once more upon his own threshold.”

-The Odyssey

ANTINOUS: Have you ever spoken to her? 

DEMOPTOLEMUS: Ever spoken to who? 

ANTINOUS: Penelope. 

DEMOPTOLEMUS: Afraid I don’t know anyone by that name. 

ANTINOUS: Penelope. 

DEMOPTOLEMUS: I don’t follow. 

ANTINOUS: Let me put it another way: What’s brought you to Ithaca, friend? 

DEMOPTOLEMUS: Ah. There you have me. This isn’t Krocylea? 

AGELAUS: No, it’s Ithaca. 

DEMOPTOLEMUS: Could have sworn this was Krocylea. You’re sure it’s not Krocylea? 

ANTINOUS: Quite sure. 

DEMOPTOLEMUS: Then I haven’t the faintest idea what’s brought me here. Thought we were in Krocylea. Looks just like Krocylea, this. 

ANTINOUS: Well, what brought you to Krocylea? 

DEMOPTOLEMUS: Oh, nothing in particular. Nice time of year to travel – Islands are always nice. I’ve got a cousin there. Been meaning to look him up, but haven’t got round to it. 

AGELAUS: Amphinomus, what’s brought you to Ithaca? 

AMPHINOMUS: Trying to marry Penelope. 

ANTINOUS: What’s brought everybody to Ithaca, as far as you know? 

AMPHINOMUS: Everybody’s trying to marry Penelope. 

DEMOPTOLEMUS: Not really! Everyone?

ANTINOUS: Really, everyone. 

DEMOPTOLEMUS: You mean that’s why everyone’s always gathering flowers and practicing gymnastics and so on? 

ANTINOUS: Yes. What did you think we were doing it for, if not for her?

DEMOPTOLEMUS: I thought it was the Olympics! 

AGELAUS: You thought it had been the Olympics six years in a row? 

DEMOPTOLEMUS: I don’t know how long the Olympics take. 

AGELAUS: Five days, every four years. It always takes five days every four years. And it’s always held in Olympia. 

DEMOPTOLEMUS: I thought maybe it was a leap year. 

ANTINOUS: Why did you think she was the only one getting all those flowers and jewels and gifts?

DEMOPTOLEMUS [Stiffly]: I thought maybe she was the coat check girl. 

EURYADES: Do you know – I am sorry to interrupt, I couldn’t help but overhear – 

ANTINOUS: Not at all. 

AGELAUS: Not at all. 

EURYADES: Thanks very much, I’m sure. 

ANTINOUS: Elatus, isn’t it? 

EURYADES: Euryades.

ANTINOUS: Oh, pardon me. 

EURYADES: Not at all. 

ANTINOUS: Not at all! 

EURYADES: Only I thought – surely we were all here courting Helen? 

ANTINOUS: Helen…? 

EURYADES: Of Troy. 

AGELAUS: Troy…

EURYADES: Isn’t she the one everybody courts? With the, ah, still eyes, in the white face, the lustre as of olives where she stands…Born in the big egg, she was. Very pretty, I’ve heard. Surprised you boys haven’t heard of her. Everyone’s been trying to marry her for oh, ages now. Remarkable she’s still so pretty, isn’t it? Considering how long it’s been. But here we are. 

ANTINOUS: Yes – it has been quite some little time since anybody courted Helen. She married Menelaus about twenty years ago.  

EURYADES: No. 

AGELAUS: I’m afraid so. 

EURYADES: Not Menelaus of Sparta. The little one with the red hair?

AMPHINOMUS: I wouldn’t call him little, exactly. Not a big man, by any means, but certainly he isn’t little, either.  

ANTINOUS: You couldn’t call him tall, though. 

AMPHINOMUS: No, I wouldn’t call him tall. 

EURYADES: I should think not! I wouldn’t call anybody tall under six feet. Without shoes. 

ANTINOUS: Oh, I don’t know about that. 

AGELAUS: Six feet is tall, certainly, but I wouldn’t make it the cutoff. I wouldn’t call a man who stood 5’11” short. 

EURYADES: I would!

AGELAUS: You would? 

EURYADES: I would. 

AGELAUS: Even nowadays? 

ANTINOUS: What’s that supposed to mean? 

AGELAUS: You know. Now. Our era. 

EURYADES: The Bronze Age? 

AGELAUS: I think so. With the possibility of earlier oral traditions. Isn’t the average height for a Bronze Age man about 5’7, 5’8? Which would make someone 5’11 rather tall, more than merely not short. 

EURYADES: I don’t know about averages. But there are many different kinds of little man, and Menelaus of Sparta is all of them.