"The Honeymooners," Where Ralph Kramden Is A Stone Butch And All Threats Of Physical Violence Are Replaced By Wistful Desires To Escape Into Outer Space
RALPH [with terrible, aching yearning]: One of these days…One of these days…Alice, I swear – POW. Right in the kisser. One day when I’m brave, and you’re safe, I’ll – [softly] I swear I’ll kiss her.
ALICE: Listen, Ralph, you can argue all you want, but I want you to get one thing straight: my mother is coming here, and my mother is always welcome in my house.
RALPH [with a mournful tendré]: Your house, Alice? Your house? Ah, I always thought of it as ours.
ALICE: Oh, I am sorry, Ralph. I forgot, it is your house. You really have been very big-hearted, Ralph, sharing it with me and letting me live here with you in the lap of luxury like this. Don't think that I don't appreciate it, Ralph, ‘cause I do. After all, where else would I get a beautiful home like this? This place, Ralph, you know what it is? It's a regular Disneyland. Look, Ralph. Look at this wonderful view that we have from the window. Look, see? Old man Grogan's long underwear hanging on the line, garbage cans in the alley, back of a restaurant. That's all part of my Disneyland, too, you know, Ralph. That's my... [Ralph groans as if the weight of a thousand generations were suddenly pressed upon her] That is my Fantasyland. Now, Ralph, over here, this sink, see? Every time I go near that sink, Ralph, I never knows what's gonna happen. You know what the sink is? That's my Adventureland. That stove and that icebox, that's Frontierland. There's only one thing, Ralph, that's missing from my Disneyland, only one thing: the World of Tomorrow. I have nothing from the World of Tomorrow.
RALPH [Slowly, with a sadness older than the pharaohs]: The World of Tomorrow, Alice? You want the World of Tomorrow? Oh, I’d give it to you, Alice, I’d hide it for you in my fists and spring tomorrow’s world open for you – and your mother could visit us with a full heart and true celebration. I’d – I’d take you to the moon, Alice. I hear the gravity’s not so strong up there, Alice; maybe you and I could be light together on the moon. Free and easy.
ALICE: She has to visit sometimes, Ralph. I’m sorry I – it’s hard, sometimes, you know, the way we have to live.
RALPH: I know. I know.
ALICE: Where will you go, while she’s here?
RALPH: I’ll find someplace. Don’t you worry about that. The moon, maybe. [Singing softly] One of these days…Ralph and Alice on the moon…
RALPH: One of these days, Alice…
ALICE: One of these days, Alice, what?
RALPH [helplessly]: One of them’s got to be for us. One of them. They can’t all be against us – the future has to have room for us in it – we don’t need them all, just one –
I'm... undone by this? I have to get myself together, I have go get a haircut, but now I'm weeping?
*chomps on cigar* This is great, kid, but where are the laughs?