The Twenty-Three Best Non-Dialogue Lines From The Original Script for "Blade"

Original here.

23.

Dennis is now sandwiched between Raquel and Mercury, the three of them dry-humping their way to every man's glory.

22.

What is this? Some kind of fucked up performance art?

21.

That's because they’re all vampires.

20.

His name is BLADE.

19.

Blade whips open his long coat, shrugging it off, revealing an arsenal of high-tech weapons strapped to his body: 6-point adjustable body armor, a modified CAR-15 assault rifle with an ultra-violet entry light, two Casull .454 revolvers, a “Demon” automatic cross-bow, a bandolier of mahogany stakes, an Indian-style katar punching dagger — and last, but certainly not least, his namesake — a silver sword which is secured in a back-scabbard.

18.

Blade opens FIRE, pumping round after round of wooden fragmentation bullets into the crowd — vampire genocide.

17.

The vampire laughs, air whistling through his ruined larynx.

16.

KAREN JANSEN (20s), a fine-featured hematologist with a social life in suspended animation, sits back from the microscope, stumped.

15.

Though his face is lined with wrinkles and his hair has long since gone gray, we sense he could kick the living shit out of any man half his age.

14.

Imagine undergoing childbirth while someone pumps battery acid through your veins.

13.

Gathered around a massive table are the TWELVE VAMPIRE ELDERS, representing a “rainbow” of racial colors — names like PALLINTINE, VON ESPER, ASHE, BAVA. Two of them, the FAUSTINAS, are identical twins — lethal-looking women with alabaster skin.

12.

Chilled carafes filled with blood are situated along the table. From time to time, a member will pour themselves a glass, or perhaps, help themselves to the bowls of human finger bones which serve as snacks.

11.

Think of a cross between Divine and Jabba the Hutt.

10.

The vampires begin to chant en masse, some long-forgotten invocation in the vampire tongue.

9.

As terrible as his physical torment is, his mother’s betrayal is infinitely worse.

8.

To Frost and Blade's mutual surprise the arm floats in mid-air, bleeding red, quivering like zero-G liquid, then SLURPING back to Frost's arm-stump to re-attach itself!

7.

He’s become a three-dimensional creature of animated blood!

6.

Once again, Frost morphs into blood-form.

5.

Frost backs away, horrified. His blood-tendrils don't reform.

4.

Frost and Vanessa HOWL AS ONE, their SCREAMS rising to an unendurable intensity as the two vampires go nova, exploding into an expanding ball of light and ATOMIZING BLOOD.

3.

Blade is thrown back off his feet, having to shield his eyes from the backlash of occult energy as a near tidal WAVE of blood surges over him.

2.

While along the street, manhole covers flip from their moorings, spinning up into the air like dimes, being buoyed by geysers of blood.

1.

Which side of Blade's soul has won out? Human or vampire?