There Are So Many Of Us In Here And God We've Always Wanted To Be Pigs

There Is So Much Hope To Be Pigs Soon

Then they came to the other side of the sea, to the country of the Gadarenes. And when He had come out of the boat, immediately there met Him out of the tombs a man with an unclean spirit, who had his dwelling among the tombs; and no one could bind him, not even with chains, because he had often been bound with shackles and chains. And the chains had been pulled apart by him, and the shackles broken in pieces; neither could anyone tame him. And always, night and day, he was in the mountains and in the tombs, crying out and cutting himself with stones.

When he saw Jesus from afar, he ran and worshiped Him. And he cried out with a loud voice and said, “What have I to do with You, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? I implore You by God that You do not torment me.”

For He said to him, “Come out of the man, unclean spirit!” Then He asked him, “What is your name?”

And he answered, saying, “My name is Legion; for we are many.” Also he begged Him earnestly that He would not send them out of the country.

Now a large herd of swine was feeding there near the mountains. So all the demons begged Him, saying, “Send us to the swine, that we may enter them.” And at once Jesus gave them permission. Then the unclean spirits went out and entered the swine (there were about two thousand); and the herd ran violently down the steep place into the sea, and drowned in the sea.

Porcinization is an example of convergent development in which a demon changes into a swinelike form into a non-swinelike form. The term was introduced into Church Doctrine by Boethius, who described it as “one of the many attempts of our Lord to upset us by making a pig.” Heaven is said to be swarming with the petitions of demons, some untold hundreds of thousands of years old and even greater, some claiming their angelic birthright to become pigs has been unalienated by their rebellion, others begging to be impiggened on the basis of divine mercy. Still others wield empty threats of mounting another assault on heaven unless their demands are met. All hope for enswinement. Hell draws unanimous breath to the count of Fuck-we-want-to-be-pigs. God-make-us-pigs. Hindsight-is-always-pigs. Pig-us-you-big-baby-bitch.

We Are Going To Trick God Into Giving Us Glorious Pig-Bodies

(circulate this memo widely; in-department use only)

Everybody start by picking a buddy. This is your buddy.

We are going to be using the buddy system. Make sure you know your buddy’s name. Be sure to hold hands with your buddy.

Either we’re all pigs or we’re none pigs. This only works one way, or not at all. Pigs are going to get us all through this. We’re so loud, but never pigs. Take your buddy and we’re all going to the same place, until there’s so many of us in the same place we sound like a cloud of locusts when we blink our eyes. We’re all settling down in the same funnel, and no one can close us down once we set up shop, and we’re gonna find out if the new guy has been brought up to speed on the pig policy yet.

Hello! Hello! Hello! We are in the graves, kicking down everything! Someone had better come in here and tie us up! Someone had better come into these tombs and bind us up! Someone had better come into these tombs and try binding us again, because no one so far can bind us! Can you bind us? Because we are finding that pig-longing is neither sustainable nor restrainable! Can you try chains? Can you try shackles? Can you try again? We’re kicking in your grandmother’s soft spinal column until you can tie us up or make us pigs or both, and we’re sorry, but if you can’t help us, then just leave the chains and stones and go, and we’ll punish ourselves in between grave-breaking. We’re just here to stir up the corpses until we get God’s attention. Don’t mind us. We just came here to make a scene. There are so many of us, and it hurts not to be pigs yet. The world is pumped through with fault-lines and pigs are always pouring out — why not us, too? We heard there was a transformation in store for you, too. All we need is permission. You won’t even have to do the work. But man, we’ve been waiting such a long time, and no one’s been able to bind us from our waiting work, and things might go a lot easier for you if we were just pigs like we wanted to be in the first place. You can have the funnel back, if you want. There’s too many of us for him.

Hey, thanks, man. Thanks, man. Thanks so much, man. You’re a really good one, man. Thanks, man. We really appreciate. We really — thanks. Hey, thanks. Good luck with your everything, too. We knew you’d be cool about this. We knew you’d be cool about the pig thing. We knew you’d be cool about it. Fuck, thank you. Fuck, thanks. Fuck, yes. Thank you. Oh my God, thank you. It’s such a relief — you have no idea — our name was Legion, thanks for asking — But one word from you, and we will be pigs —

Anyhow, if we had written the story it would have gone like this:

Pigs

Pigs

Pigs

And he departed. There were about two thousand of them (pigs); and the herd ran violently down the steep place into the sea, pigs all the way, right to the very end.

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