Discover more from The Chatner
Things I Have Yelled At My Television, Which Cannot Hear Me, While Watching Grantchester
This week I've had a few things on my mind. One of them is a topic that periodically fills me with impotent rage every six months, namely that B.D. Wong, who voiced the speaking parts of Li Shang in Disney's Mulan and has a Tony and sang what is still the greatest (and only) Tori Amos song I have ever heard, for some reason got dubbed with Donny Osmond for the songs? Look, I'm aware this is a children's movie almost two decades old, and that B.D. Wong's career is doing just fine, but like...you had a steak right in front of you! You didn't need to order in another meal!
On the Wikipedia page for "I'll Make A Man Out Of You" reads:
Disney eventually cast Osmond as the singing voice of Shang because his singing voice is similar to Wong's speaking voice.
Which. I GUESS? But I feel like B.D. Wong also has a singing voice that is similar to B.D. Wong's speaking voice!!
Imagine the confidence it takes to breeze your Donny Osmond-ass into the studio past B.D. Wong and record his tracks for him. "Bradley Darryl! Heckfire and goshment, but it's good to see you. Do you mind moving a bit to the left? Loved you in And The Band Played On." I don't know why it feels so right that Donny Osmond would bring up And The Band Played On, but it seems like the kind of passive-aggressive "Wait, was that homophobic?" shit he would say in the moment. I don't know, man. You had B.D. Wong in the studio! LET B.D. WONG SING.
I've got a houseguest here this week, and I'm excited beyond words to watch a lot of TV with a friend I don't get to see very often. The last time I was a houseguest I was with Nicole in Utah, and we watched the entire first season of Grantchester, which is one of those fiddly British murder mystery shows that seems profoundly uncomfortable with the idea of coziness and where every other line feels like it ought to be, "Hey, let's just sit tight until the 1970s, yeah?" I found myself in a constant state of incomprehensible fury against the handsome male protagonist, which is unusual for me; handsome light-haired men normally send me into a state of extreme docility and relaxation, like a dog getting its ears scritched. I've never hated anyone like I hated this dude, and it was 100% due to the fact that he is a bad vicar who neglects his pastoral duties in favor of solving crimes and trying to develop a drinking problem. I know that everyone in the UK is mostly embarrassed about having a religion, but still, if you're going to wear your collar backwards, then you have to set aside your sexy lake duckings and fraught dinner parties for CONTEMPLATION and OFFERING CONSOLATION TO THE BEREAVED. I have no issue with, like, a rich lady who neglects her social duties in favor of solving crimes, or whatever, but every once in a while my Protestant upbringing rears up and surprises me and I found myself yelling at the screen every five minutes.
Here are some of the things that I yelled:
SIDNEY YOUR PARISHIONERS HAVE ACTUAL SPIRITUAL NEEDS GET OUT OF THE LAKE AND COMFORT THE FUCKING DYING ALREADY
SIDNEY THE LITURGICAL CALENDAR IS CENTERED AROUND THE PROGRESSION OF THE GOSPELS AND AND SET BIBLICAL TEXTS NOT ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK YOU LEARNED TODAY ABOUT THE COMPLEXITIES OF THE HUMAN HEART OR WHATEVER, "THE COMPLEXITIES OF THE HUMAN HEART OR WHATEVER" IS NOT FOUND IN TODAY'S SCHEDULED READING FROM THE BOOK OF JEREMIAH
SIDNEY I DON'T REMEMBER IF YOUR LAST NAME IS "GRANTCHESTER" OR IF THE NAME OF THE TOWN YOU LIVE IN IS "GRANTCHESTER" BUT EITHER WAY I AM NOT GOING TO LET YOUR CHEEKBONES DISTRACT ME FROM THE FACT THAT YOU ARE AN INDIFFERENT DOG OWNER
HEY GEORDIE GO HOME TO YOUR WIFE
HEY GEORDIE GO HOME TO YOUR FUCKING WIFE
HEY GEORDIE GUESS WHO ALSO IS WORRIED ABOUT LOSING YOUR BABY, YOUR FUCKING WIFE, GO HOME AND HANG OUT WITH HER
SIDNEY YOU NEED TO PUT THOSE ABS IN THE SERVICE OF YOUR VOCATION AND THE LORD
OH GOD PLEASE BE NICE TO LEONARD
OH MY GOD LEONARD IS A PRECIOUS AND PURE AND WHOLESOME HUMAN BEING AND NONE OF YOU DESERVE HIM
WHAT VICAR IN THE YEAR OF OUR FUCKING LORD NINETEEN HUNDRED FIFTY AND TWO (OR WHATEVER) WOULD EVER INSTRUCT A CURATE WORKING ON A SERMON TO "JUST SPEAK FROM THE HEART"
SIDNEY IF YOU THINK FOR EVEN A SECOND I'M GOING TO SIDE WITH A PRETTY STRAIGHT BOY WHOSE PROFESSIONAL MOTTO SEEMS TO BE "AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE" OVER A STAMMERING, BE-MUSTACHED SELF-CONSCIOUS TRYHARD GAY CURATE WHO JUST WANTS TO MAKE A POINT ABOUT KANT
LEONARD IS A FUCKING HERO AND IF ANY OF YOU COCKSTICKS FAIL TO TREAT HIM WITH THE RESPECT AND CONSIDERATION HE DESERVES I WILL FLY TO ENGLAND AND ALSO THE PAST AND MURDER YOU ALL
HOW DO THEY HAVE THIS MANY EGGS FOR BREAKFAST. I THOUGHT THERE WAS STILL RATIONING.
FOR SOME REASON I ALSO ASSUME LEONARD'S LAST NAME IS "GRANTCHESTER," I GUESS IN MY HEAD EVERYONE'S LAST NAME IS "GRANTCHESTER" ON THIS SHOW? PASTOR GRANTCHESTER, LANDLADY GRANTCHESTER, AMANDA GRANTCHESTER
SIDNEY YOUR LUKEWARMITUDE MADE ME FURIOUS IN "BELLE" AND YOU MAKE ME FURIOUS NOW, EITHER DO YOUR JOB OR ACTUALLY HIT ON PEOPLE INSTEAD OF ALMOST HITTING ON PEOPLE
REVELATION 3:15-17 MY GUY
IF I HAVE TO WATCH THIS RED-HEADED MAN WANLY FLIRT WITH AMANDA SADLINGTON AGAIN I WILL TURN INTO A STAINED-GLASS WINDOW DEPICTING THE MARTYRDOM OF ST. PERPETUA
I APPRECIATE THAT YOU WANT US TO SEE HOW NOT-HOMOPHOBIC SIDNEY IS FOR 195WHATEVER BUT I STILL HATE HIM
SIDNEY INSTEAD OF ADDING ANOTHER ANGLE TO YOUR CHEEKBONES TRY HAVING A SINGLE PERSONALITY TRAIT, LIKE "SAYING NO TO SOMETHING" OR "ACTIVELY CHOOSING A PATH IN LIFE"