Things I Imagine Lyndon Baines Johnson Might Have Called Me Had We Met Prior To My Transition: Part Of A Series Of Maladaptive Fantasies, "Fawning to Cope," and Sublimating Violence With Folksiness

• plucky

• feisty

• a real firestarter

• a real whip

• little bit of a pistol, fellas

• a fine gal

• your relationship to adorableness displays a fine manly vigor

• Son, I know I’m not a good man. Can you help?

• Walk me through this thing of yours about Subway sandwiches, young man. What am I missing here?

• let me explain earthiness to you in a way that’s gonna resolve all this

• this one’s got pluck, boys

• There’s a better way to relate to violent male authority than avoidance and forced-proximity, and I’m going to share that with you right n—