Things I Love To Say Shortly Before Being Murdered

Not immediately before, where I love to say things like “Oh, it’s you” after opening the door to an unseen visitor, or better still, “What do you want?” so much as shortly before, usually during the last time I am seen alive in public.

Anxiously, after an unexpected eruption at a social gathering:

• No, no, let me — I’m sure I can reason with Father Murdoch.

• Just leave it to me. I’m sure I can get all the donors back on board.

• I think I’ll go and draw a bath.

• Let me talk to her, Richard. You know what she’s like when she’s upset.

• I shall pray for him.

• I’m sure it will blow over. He doesn’t mean a thing by it, really. It’s all just village gossip. Have you tried the clafoutis? Almond, I think, is what makes it really stand out.

• Oh, Doris, will you stop fussing? Christ! Have some self-respect!

Apropos of nothing at a cocktail reception:

• So that’s what she meant by “Red sky at night”…Excuse me for a moment, won’t you? I have to make a telephone call.

• But don’t you see? It can’t have been an accident. There were three signals that night. Not two. Three!

• Then the clock can’t have stopped after six —

• Clarabelle never played tennis!

• No, Damon never talks money unless there are vulnerable women present. [Pause for outrage, smiling insincerely] But it’s true!

Nervously, after a disrupted brewery opening/seaside museum opening-night gala/planetarium fundraiser:

• Well, ladies and gentlemen, I hope you’ll pardon the interruption — but if you’ll just come with me out to the balcony, it’s time for fireworks!

• I — Terribly sorry, folks — drink up!

• Opening-night jitters, you know! Nothing to worry about! As you were!

• [After my twin brother and co-founder has stormed out in a shocking scene] Well, I suppose there’s no pleasing some people! [Pause for weak laughter]

• I see a lot of empty glasses in this room! That’s the one thing I can’t abide, an empty glass. Top them up!

During a heated board room discussion:

• Well, I’m going to make it the centerpiece of our spring exhibition!

• Things are going to run a little differently around here from now on!

• It’s what Father would have wanted — and Father appointed me as executor for a reason.

• I want to assure you all that I plan to have a steady hand at the wheel. As far as I’m concerned, there’s no reason for things to change. It’s going to be business as usual on my watch, just as it was under Jo Hendrickson’s fine leadership.

• I’d be happy to renew the lease with the Preston Foundation.

• Perhaps Clarissa was happy to renew the lease with the Preston Foundation, but I’d rather see the house burn to the ground than let those New Age layabouts stay another night under its roof.

• We’ll see about that at the regatta tomorrow!

• This museum has been stuck in the past for ages! Can’t you see it’s stifling? My God, you’re all just as hidebound and set in your ways as the relics you exhibit!

• You’d better make your peace with it one way or another, because come Monday morning, that field’s going to be ploughed over! Now unless you’ve got a permit to show me, kindly get out of my office!

• The Ellis House hasn’t closed in sixty years and I’ll be damned if it’s going to close tomorrow! We’ll open at eight o’clock sharp tomorrow, just as we have every day since my father’s time, sure as the sun will rise! [The sun rises over my horribly mangled corpse, now arranged as an exhibit in my own family museum.]