Things I've Said To My Dogs That Could Double As Lines From A Tightly-Wound Woman In A Tennessee Williams Play

[After declining to sit on command at the park on the corner] Now you’ve embarrassed me in front of all of my friends.

[After removing a Warhammer miniature from one of their mouths] You don’t understand that this is beautiful and easily broken. Easily broken, but deadly difficult to repair. You need a special glue for it.

[Upon presenting them with a squeaky toy I normally keep hidden in the Dog Cabinet] Yes, I have tricks in my pocket, I have things up my sleeve. But I am no cheap stage magician, who gives you illusions with the appearance of truth. I give you truth in the pleasant disguise of magic.

[On account of they stop and try to go in every apartment entrance we walk past because they don’t remember where we live] Whatever you’re looking for isn’t here, boys. We don’t live there.

[When they wake up at 6am and start jumping on me] This hour isn’t civilized.

[When they resume jumping on me at 6:05am] Can’t you see you’re killing me?

[When the littlest one disgraces my nicest rug because he is only three months old] I am disappointed, but I am not discouraged. Being disappointed is one thing, and being discouraged is something else. I am disappointed. But I am not discouraged. [Scrubbing furiously] I don’t expect you to care about the things that matter to me.

[When the littlest one growls at strange dogs on on leash even though his older brother never growls] There is nothing the matter with him. Why don’t you get to know him? Everybody has problems, not just you. Why not be friendly? Life is already a series of degradations and unnecessary difficulties. Why add to them?

Most lives — what are they but trails of debris, each day more debris, more debris, long, long trails of debris, with nothing to clean it all up in the end but death.

[When they settle onto my legs before bed] You love me just a little bit more than you love the others, don’t you? You’re right to. I’m the one you can really count on. I’m the one who feeds you.

[At the dog park, when the one who hasn’t been fixed yet takes a shine to someone] Don’t you understand? I was PROCURING for him!