Top Ten Reasons Why They're Putting Drugs In The Halloween Candy This Year

10. Risk of ending Q3 with too much money and product on hand; need to get rid of at least half their reserves before November 1st

9. A Christmas Carol-style agreement with Halloween-type ghosts in a “change your life in one night” deal

8. Oops-All-Berries!-type accident at the Fun-Dip pouch and fentanyl factories, which were ruinously built right next door to one another

7. Much harder to find loose razor blades these days now that disposable/safety razors are so popular

6. Personal animus towards specific third-grader; casting a wide net “just in case”

5. Mischievous anthropomorphic duck swapped POWDERED SUGAR and CRYSTAL METH labels on identical jars

4. Final-Destination-style accident; all affected trick-or-treaters had recently missed a doomed flight to Paris, thereby exceeding their natural lifespan, and Death was course-correcting through heroin-laced Reese’s, fatal claw machine accidents, garbage disposal explosions, etc.

3. Nothing in the candy is more dangerous than SUGAR! Any food that is not hoof-based is immediately fatal

2. Star-crossed lover from candy factory and star-crossed lover from marijuana factory can only meet one night a year

1. Hoping to pull focus from contaminated milk/lettuce/Daily Harvest recall