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Top Ten Reasons Why They're Putting Drugs In The Halloween Candy This Year
Risk of ending Q3 with too much money and product on hand; need to get rid of at least half their reserves before November 1st
A Christmas Carol-style agreement with Halloween-type ghosts in a “change your life in one night” deal
Oops-All-Berries!-type accident at the Fun-Dip pouch and fentanyl factories, which were ruinously built right next door to one another
Much harder to find loose razor blades these days now that disposable/safety razors are so popular
Personal animus towards specific third-grader; casting a wide net “just in case”
Mischievous anthropomorphic duck swapped POWDERED SUGAR and CRYSTAL METH labels on identical jars
Final-Destination-style accident; all affected trick-or-treaters had recently missed a doomed flight to Paris, thereby exceeding their natural lifespan, and Death was course-correcting through heroin-laced Reese’s, fatal claw machine accidents, garbage disposal explosions, etc.
Nothing in the candy is more dangerous than SUGAR! Any food that is not hoof-based is immediately fatal
Star-crossed lover from candy factory and star-crossed lover from marijuana factory can only meet one night a year
Hoping to pull focus from contaminated milk/lettuce/Daily Harvest recall
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