Two-Mom Energy Drink

Recently Grace and I were on a long flight without Internet access, and several hours in, both a little punchy, started describing a mutual acquaintance we both liked quite a lot: “He’s straight, but you can tell that he was raised by lesbians, something of that two-mom energy clings to him.” What followed was a round-robin foray into writing marketing copy that kept us occupied until we landed.

TWO-MOM ENERGY DRINK

“YOU GOT THIS” 

QUIET, RELIABLE, DEPENDABLE, STABLE

TWO-MOM ENERGY DRINK 

ALL THE ENERGY AND DEEP-SEATED EMOTIONAL SUPPORT OF TWO MOMS 

NO PEAKS, NO CRASHES, NO “BAD DAD” VIBES 

I DON’T *KNOW* WHO MY FATHER WAS AND I DON’T *NEED* TO KNOW – I’VE GOT GUARANA, ROOIBOS, NATURALLY OCCURRING ENERGY SOURCES LIKE GINSENG, AND THE LOVING SUPPORT OF NOT ONE BUT TWO MOMS 

!!!

FORM DURABLE FRIENDSHIPS AND SLIDE INTO ADULTHOOD WITH THE GREAT TASTE OF TWO MOMS

EVEN SERIOUS OCCASIONAL DIFFICULTIES MET WITH CONFIDENCE AND EASE

NOT WORKING TOO HARD BUT PUTTING IN THE HOURS IN A STABLE AND LOVING ENVIRONMENT

EARNEST DISCUSSIONS ABOUT LOVE AND INTIMACY OR YOUR MONEY BACK

DON’T STAY UP TOO LATE BUT DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF

TWO MOMS

!!!

THE ESSENCE OF MOMNESS IS ENERGY, AND THE ESSENCE OF ENERGY IS NON-GENITAL 

ALSO AVAILABLE IN POMEGRANATE CRUSH FLAVOR 

“I CAN’T TEACH YOU HOW TO DRIVE STICK BUT MY FRIEND LINDA KNOWS I THINK” 

THE QUIET ASSURANCE OF HAVING FOUR DIFFERENT KINDS OF INSURANCE AND AN AUTOMATIC YEARLY RENEWAL IN AAA AS PART OF YOUR CHRISTMAS GIFT 

TWO-MOM ENERGY: NO CRASH

NO MOOD SWINGS 

OUR LEVEL OF MOM IS CONSTANT 

OUR LEVEL OF MOM IS CONSTANT 

OUR LEVEL OF MOM IS CONSTANT 

OUR NUMBER OF MOM ARE CONSTANT

NO MOTHERS, NO MOTHERING 

JUST 100% UNREFINED MOM 

!!!

GREAT FOR YANKEE SWAP [check]

GREAT FOR ON THE GO [check]

GREAT FOR BOTH DRIVING YOU TO JUNIOR PROM AND JUST BEING SO PROUD OF YOU [check]

YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL

ALL NATURAL SPRING MOM ENERGY FROM THE PUMICE BANKS OF THE VOLCANO OF MEANINGFUL AFFIRMATION

TWO MOMS IS ONE HUNDRED PERCENT SAFE FOR ANYONE PREGNANT OR NURSING AND SUPPORTIVE WITHOUT BEING OVERBEARING OR A PUSHOVER

FOR KIDS TOO

FOR EVERYONE

FOR YOU

!!!

TWO-MOM ENERGY IS NOT REGULATED BY THE FDA BUT HAS HEARD GREAT THINGS ABOUT EVERYONE WORKING THERE 

TWO-MOM ENERGY PROVIDES YOU WITH THE SWIFT BUBBLE OF SELF-ASSURANCE YOU NEED TO START YOUR DAY

TWO-MOM ENERGY JUST CALLED TO SAY IT LOVES YOUR HAIRCUT SIGHT UNSEEN 

NON-PROPRIETARY LOVING ENERGY 

LOVE THAT MAKES NO UNNECESSARY CLAIMS ON YOUR PAST 

REJECT THE VIOLENCE OF PREDICTING THE FUTURE AND SETTLE YOURSELF INTO SOME TWO-MOM ENERGY 

!!!

BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE PEOPLE WHO MADE “YOUNGEST CHILD IN THE FAMILY SLEEP AID” 

SLEEP LIKE THE YOUNGEST CHILD IN YOUR FAMILY – WITHOUT WORRIES, ANXIETIES, EXPECTATIONS, RESPONSIBILITIES, OR ENGAGEMENT