Prince Philip just kicks every single puppy in England’s green and pleasant land, just knocks on everybody’s door, “Hello, hi, have you got a puppy for me to kick, fantastic, thanks very much, remember the name Mountbatten the next time you’re considering kicking a puppy, thanks for letting me kick yours”

I physically reach into my own television set in order to smack the pen out of the Duke of Windsor before he can write another weapons-grade smug letter to some guy named “Scrimsy Mouthjaw” about what dicks his nieces are

WHY DO THEY HAVE SCHOOL LIKE THAT, WHY DO THEY HAVE *SO MUCH SCHOOL,* WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MOVE TO SCOTLAND TO GO TO SCHOOL, JUST GO TO SCHOOL IN THE TOWN YOU ALREADY LIVE IN FOR SIX HOURS A DAY, DON’T SING ANY SONGS, LEARN ALGEBRA, THEN GO HOME, LIVE IN YOUR HOUSE, SHOWER THERE, SEE YOUR CLASSMATES WHEN YOU ARE IN CLASS AND THEN LEAVE AGAIN! WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO LIVE AT SCHOOL, WHY DID THEY MAKE THAT A WHOLE IDEA, this is not a scene but I needed to yell it somewhere, JUST GO TO REGULAR SCHOOL, “REGULAR” OBVIOUSLY MEANING “WHAT I DID,” NAMELY “GO TO A PUBLIC SCHOOL IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA IN THE MID-1990S”

Someone with a passable Billy Graham impression in his back pocket is recast and the entirety of “Vergangenheit” is reshot

Margaret ceases to be won over by Matthew Goode’s entry-level negging or, at the very least, he has to say one nice thing either to or about her

Prince Philip’s tailor is arrested for operating a heroin-and-sex ring out of Philip’s shoes when he isn’t wearing them

The Queen Mother just watches television for a full hour while slowly eating a plate of macaroni and cheese, then credits; I award it an Emmy from my own living room

Prince Philip crashes in through the window during a meeting between Elizabeth and whoever’s Prime Minister at the time, screaming “IT IS AN AFFRONT TO MY MASCULINE DIGNITY THAT I HAVE KNEES; FIND ME A DOCTOR WHO WILL GIVE ME LEGS THAT DO NOT BEND, SUCH THAT I HAVE TO BE CAREFULLY LIFTED IN AND OUT OF BED EVERY MORNING AND EVENING BY BALLERINAS”