Writing about animals with a distinct, non-human style is exceedingly difficult; a single careless moment is all it takes to tip the vibe into off-putting heckin’ doggo territory. And yet the animalization of speech is an interesting and, I think, worthwhile project! So we venture forth and hope for the best.
You simply must have second dog. You have heard of second dog? You are familiar? The time is arrived for you to acquire and become second dog to have. Second dog is not mandatory for you, but have you considered second dog? With second dog, there is everything twice – first there is everything, and then there is twiceness, and in addition there is twice of everything, all at the same time. Twice exists triply; everything is surfeit. Also, you will need more lint rollers.
With second dog, of course, there is additional dog-work. But you simply must have second dog. With second dog, your dog is no longer a representative of type but a classifiable member of species and subspecies, rerouted through Beast Context and lightly re-wilded, wholly increased in dog condition. “Dog” becomes “first dog,” “your” dog becomes “that” dog or “this” dog or “your brother.” Your, possessive case, no longer solely indicates belonging-to-me but expands to indicate also/instead/supercessionally/belongs-to-dog. Which dog? First or second? Taxonomical growth follows the condition of second dog. You have two dogs. Your two dogs have you. Your first dog has your second dog in a manner wholly unlike your having, and your second dog has the first in a manner unlike either. With second dog, having is compounded.
Consider having more with second dog. Consider second dog. Give deciding-weight to the possibility of second dog. Animalize the context of the home with second dog. With second dog, your dog has a dog.
In case of second dog, one resigns as coach-minder-supervisor-sole-proprietor and enters into a franchisee agreement with the first dog. Second dog raises interesting possibilities on the subjects of dominionism, animality, non-human interests, duty-towards-self, duty-towards-unself, duty-towards-other-selves, domesticity, structure, order of precedence, and where should second dog sleep (on the bed, with the first dog, and with you, over a special blanket, so your blanket remains cleaner). Sleep in a big bed with your dogs, near a roaring fire tended high by the servants of your body and your fiefdom, and see to it that the rushes in the feasting-hall are replaced daily with fresh hay.
It is not good that a dog should be alone. To solve the problem of dog, one must consider second dog. With second dog, there is a possibility of direct dog-to-dog relation, without human mediation; alien delights await. Two dogs can make a decision in concert, confer in committee, register robust disapproval, deliver admonishments, incite and invite gamesomeness, and develop new types of language, all while you, the proprietor of two dogs, need think of nothing, become a dog owner emeritus, allowing your deputy manager to interpret and maintain your interests on the trading floor. Also, you will have two dogs to look at, with your two eyes. You can look at them both. There are two dogs to look at now. Objects which could once be only investigated, gnawed, and discarded are now ripe for conflict, pressing, pulling, entautening, contest, evasion. Notice your dog notice your dog. Endless recursions of looking, with introduction of second dog, dog-as-mirror and dog-as-mirrored. Dog, seconded.
Second dog. The question of walking second dog, yes, is a frequent one, made many times. Will they course over and around one another like a stream? Or will they both decline the walk separately, two dead weights attempting to resist the same nothing? It is a bad walk, dragging lead-lined commas over the sidewalk, but two types of investigation. Reluctance sets the stage for sudden discovery, twice. Watch the neighborhood realize in amazement that your dog is both. Second dog? Yes, neighbor. Second dog. They notice each other? They know about each other? Give your dog the gift of dog-knowledge with second dog.
Consider second dog. Now your dog is two dogs, and your two dogs are both. Triangulate the planes of looking with the addition of second dog, and fill your house with seeing. Thank you.
no no, thank YOU