Advice Everyone Should Follow

I'm planning on getting around to some of these myself

I found Choire Sicha’s “Some Advice for Young People” pretty formative when I read it back in 2012;¹ now I’m around the age he was when he wrote it, so I figured I ought to sum up the ways I think a person ought to go.

Everyone gets a sincere “Bless you” for the first two sneezes. The second “Bless you” ought to sound indistinguishable from the first. No need to make a little joke out of it. The third sneeze receives stony silence. By the fourth sneeze, you must excuse yourself from the room until you have regained your composure.

Do your best not to lie, within reason. When you are caught in a lie, admit to it instantly, and if possible, cheerfully. In this way you will still be able to maintain a reputation for honesty, and save yourself a great deal of wasted time and anxiety. Trying to salvage a lie that has already been sniffed out is almost never successful. Recognize that you have lost, and lose graciously.

Whenever you lose, lose graciously. If you can manage it, lose magnificently, like King Arthur. Whenever he met someone who could lay him out cold, the minute he woke up he invited them to move into his house. People still talk about him all the time.

If someone stops you in order to ask a question or a favor, you must either say “I’m sorry, I can’t talk just now” or offer them your complete, prompt, and willing attention until they have finished. By no means say, “Can we make this quick?” Never enter into a conversation with someone with the attitude of needing to be somewhere else; 99% of people would prefer an immediate denial to a slowly fading show of patience. The remaining 1% are fascinating monsters who will not hesitate to drain you dry.

If someone asks, “Does anyone else think this room is too hot/too cold?” and you have the power to change the thermostat, unless you strongly feel the opposite is true, agree with them immediately and make the adjustment. Reward them for their daring by saying, “I’m so glad you said something.” If this happens at work, you can now reasonably expect them to side with you on a point of minor significance in your next official disagreement.

If you live with a partner or roommates, make sure they see you doing something useful early in the day. It need not be something time- or labor-intensive, if you’re in a rush, although of course every once in a while it should be. Establishing your reputation of being a helpful person is just as important as being helpful, or very nearly. Better to be seen doing it, however, than to work it awkwardly into conversation (“The other night, when I was taking the trash out, I saw the strangest thing…”), which will almost certainly overplay your hand and establish your reputation as a self-aggrandizing tryhard. Pretty much the same applies to work, incidentally.

If you decide to come on to someone, regardless of how nervous you may feel about it, extend your offer in a manner that suggests you think it would be a good idea, and that you have something of value to offer. You need not pretend a level of confidence you do not possess, but making a pass deprecatorily, as if you were apologizing for vomiting in public, is the very worst of bad manners.

Whenever you are driving and have the opportunity to let someone else in ahead of you, do it, no matter how much of a hurry you are in or how much you dislike the other driver’s conduct. You will feel like a benevolent emperor sparing gladiators in the arena, rather than a red-faced status jockey.

Clean out your refrigerator often and ruthlessly. Better to throw too much away than the reverse. If you’re very concerned about food waste, you need to address it at point of purchase, not once you’ve got it in the house.

Try cross-sex hormones just once, if you can. You don’t have to do anything further about it if you don’t care to, but it’s always fun to see how the other half lives.

You really don’t have to stop spending time on your phone this year. If you do decide to spend less time on your phone, by no means should you discuss it with others. There is a time to keep silence, and a time to speak!

In a similar vein, don’t start keeping lists of all the books you read. You will not get more enjoyment from listing a book than you did from reading it.

If your profile includes a sentiment like “I like older men” on hookup apps, you should be aware that at least 50% of your audience is going to read that as “I like the oldest men.” If you do not seek this outcome, find another way to phrase it.

[If transmasculine] Start using the men’s room much sooner than you think you should after starting hormones. Generally speaking, it is better to have a bad time in the men’s room than it is to have a bad time in the women’s room.² I cannot of course promise a good time in any location, but in this case the devil you know is not worth sticking with.

It is almost never worth trying to “make good time” on a road trip. Pull over as much as you want!

Have a baby, if you’re on the fence. Have two! Don’t overthink it. They’re a lot of fun.

Breakups occur primarily when you and a partner can no longer agree on a shared narrative of your relationship. If you were unable to convince a person of your point of view while you were dating, you are unlikely to be more successful in convincing them once you have become their ex. Do not waste your time in post-breakup image management. You will, at least once, because you are a human being, but do your best to shake the habit.

It’s never too early to take sarcopenia and osteoporosis seriously. You ought to do at least a little load-bearing, muscle-preserving exercise a few times a week. I don’t have anything more specific than that; go talk to someone who knows about that sort of thing. But you should worry about it now.

[Borgia and Machiavelli]

1. Maybe it makes more sense to say I liked the idea of being in a position to need that advice someday. I blogged for a living for like, 15 years and now I work in senior living, so I haven’t run into very many soulless careerists, but I feel prepared for it, if I ever do.

2. Not a guarantee, I’m afraid.