Previously in this series: Emma, part I.
MR WOODHOUSE: Good morning
who’s ready to start cheering me up
but NOT by suggesting we go places
EMMA: I think Harriet’s coming along really nicely
MR ELTON [looking up from his book so quickly his jaw clicks]: oh honey I love her
you fixed her
you built her
EMMA: I haven’t had to do much, really
all the essential qualities were there already. Just a few hints
MR ELTON [slavering]: Her, her, her slender and elongated dorsal tail
the — the transparency of her cheek
the delicate freshness of her scales
you are the mother of all that is good in her. and your excellence is what English womanhood feeds on to grow sleek and fat
EMMA: Do you know, I think it would be a lot of fun to paint Harriet’s portrait
MR ELTON [spontaneously laying eggs]: OH GOD
OH CHRIST
EMMA: Mr Elton keeps leaving clutches of eggs at our door with notes asking me to draw Harriet Smith
MR WOODHOUSE: Eggs can be very wholesome
especially when laid by a vicar
If you want to go ahead and draw Miss Smith I don’t see any harm in having a few of the vicar’s eggs
MR ELTON [underneath the sofa]: husbands and wives god Christ
EMMA: Well, here it is
MRS WESTON: Oh, Emma, you’ve given her eyebrows. Don’t you think that’s a little cruel?
MR ELTON: No! No! Miss Smith does have eyebrows, I have seen them — Miss Woodhouse has most judiciously drawn them out, but they do exist, they are there, when she sits in full sunlight and leans forward a little
MR KNIGHTLEY: You’ve made her nine feet tall
MR ELTON: She is nine foot tall at least, sir
MR WOODHOUSE [weeping a little]: You’ve drawn her outside and that’s where all the weather lives
EMMA: Oh but Papa I’ve drawn her outside on a nice summer’s day —
MR WOODHOUSE: That doesn’t matter — now the weather knows where she is —
MR ELTON: It is so good I want to lick it. Please let me lick this painting of your friend
EMMA [to herself]: I hear wedding bells…!
MR ELTON [to himself]: I cannot be misreading her! Soon I shall lick all the furniture in this house…!
MR KNIGHTLEY: I think Robert Martin thinks I’m his best friend
EMMA: Oh?
MR KNIGHTLEY: But he’s not my best friend. He’s only my good friend
[Suddenly serious] An Englishman’s best friend should always be himself.
EMMA: Well, he’s still leaving eggs at the door
I keep telling him I’m happy to give them to Harriet but it would be more straightforward to leave them for her at Mrs. Goddard’s
MR ELTON [capering outside the window]: She misconstrues my eggs…!
MR WOODHOUSE
why are my grandchildren visiting
are grandchildren daughters
what do children say about string
where are my daughters
daughters for Christmas
importance of having Christmas indoors
daughters for inside only
why isn’t everyone here all the time
HARRIET: Still there’s something so sad about the idea of you never getting married, Miss Woodhouse! Especially when you have so many dresses and tables and so on
EMMA: The only husband I need is my father’s money, Harriet
HARRIET: Yes, ma’am
EMMA: Have a walnut, Harriet
HARRIET: Yes, ma’am
EMMA: By the way. If you ever meet a woman named Jane Fairfax I want you to tie her shoelaces together
HARRIET: Yes, ma’am. If I might ask why…?
EMMA [Eyes narrowing]: Her aunt really likes her
Oh, but shut up! Shut up! Look, it’s poor people! Let’s give them some fish
EMMA [taking her shoes off]: If THIS doesn’t get Mr Elton to propose to Harriet, I don’t know WHAT will
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Undo that friendship bracelet and give it to a bird, Robert Martin!
The eggs…😂