Forgive Us Our Sins Against The Gay Bank

Aug 31, 2021

"And that little queer bank who nobody liked grew up to be...Roy Cohn."

We get it. It is easy to dunk on the one queer owned alternative in a cesspool of options. And if you’re truly anti-capitalist, you probably won’t bank with us.

Let the congregation rise for the recitation of the Confiteor:

I confess to the gay bank and its network of financial coaches specializing in the needs of the LGBTQ+ community, to the blessed managing directors and to Kapor Capital and Precursor Capital, who co-led the blessed round of seed funding, to the $5 million secured therein, and to the blessed apostles of the Anthemis Group, Clocktower, Financial Venture Studio, and Citi, along with all the allies and values-driven consumers seeking to disrupt the neobanking field and, not satisfied merely with expanding its flagship product, who also strive to expand its attendant lifestyle services designed to improve financial equality for the estimated 30-million-plus Americans who identify as LGBTQ+, along with all the saints of the marketplace, and the market itself:

Through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault I have sinned:

By pride, in my abundant evil iniquitous and heinous thought, in making jokes about the gay bank,

speech, pollution, suggestion, delectation, consent, word and deed, in perjury, in mean tweets, in refusing to walk the walk and discover just how queer-friendly my spending is, in failing to set aside a prudent reserve for a chicken sandwich,

in the sacrilege of refusing to connect with an FDIC-insured provider (up to $250,000) who just gets it, which is high-key unacceptable, in rejecting the cornerstone that queers banking for the better,

I have sinned by sight, hearing, taste, smell and touch,

and in my behavior, my evil vices, in mocking them that seek end-to-end solutions, whether it’s money, whether it’s advisory, whether it’s connecting to a surrogacy clinic or another common pain point that needs to be solved deeply, from a really good place,

I beg the blessed fintech firms ever-optimizing, ever-streamlining the mobile banking experience, nimble and transparent, immortal invisible, jointly-partnered with traditional banking institutions to insure their financial products, the blessed hybrid platforms clearing regulatory hurdles and who are just doing their best, and banking itself, to pray and intercede for me a sinner to the gay bank.

The celebrant makes a profound bow to the altar, striking their breast three times with the right hand clenched in a fist, to drive forth evil thoughts from their seat in an act of purification and a gesture of sorrow for sin, before saying,

May the gay bank have mercy upon you and, your sins having been absolved, may the gay bank bring you into fiduciary wholeness. Amen.

And may the congregation say, Amen. Go forth and sin against the gay bank no more.

The Chatner

Forgive Us Our Sins Against The Gay Bank