May 24, 2020Liked by Daniel Lavery

I’ve always strongly IDed with Templeton. Well, most rats, really.

This post reminds me of a note I made in my phone the other day about the layers of noise in my mind at all times —

simultaneous imaginary conversations:

- what makes a pock-marked face unloveable?

- why isn’t that ear-cleaner specialist called Earrigation?

- making amends with [ex partner]

- preemptive dog eulogy in the style of moira rose

- composing emails to a psychologist, a piercer, Paige, Emma

- telling [my psychologist] about [elderly patient with below-knee amputation] from [private psych clinic] crawling out of the shower because the hospital doesn’t have any accessibility measures in place

- telling Pa the same

- asking Pa if he identifies with the term ‘disabled’ because of his amputation

- *jeff buckley’s the sky is a landfill plays beneath all of this*

- me screaming, somewhere, at someone, that i need COORDINATED HELP because i’m 35 and only getting lower-functioning & more ill

- practising toning down my snappiness when i speak to [clinic reception] about useless psychiatrists

- how i resent people loving me & me loving them because then i have to keep living (same with cats)

- *picking my face all the while*

- fragmented thoughts of talking with [ex bf], [ex bf], why can’t i type his name [deceased ex bf] now i’m crying

- why can’t/won’t anyone help me in the ways i need to be helped? what have i done wrong and how do i fix it?

- aaaaaand *blank*

- now it’s just jeff buckley and my heart hurting and my heavy breathing

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May 20, 2020Liked by Daniel Lavery

tag yourself I'm “Hello Doctor, brain is all spaghetti, no sauce, two dogs fighting, no meatball, no kiss, no Italian chef to monitor.” which is to say, brain is sad plate o spaghet sitting alone in a dark alley with the sounds of snarling dogs in the distance.

Please send rats.

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My brain definitely needs more rats!

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“Hello Doctor, brain is submarine sailors singing Soviet anthem, dead Sam Neill, confused Tim Curry holding Order of Lenin medal on iceberg, please send Sean Connery.”

I mean, whose brain among us isn't like this, honestly?

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“Hello Doctor, brain is 80s television set just turned off, still warm, making sparks but no picture, ghost of old sounds, please give priest.”

This immediately evoked such a *vivid* sense memory: the feel of the static, the sight and sound, even the *smell*, wow.

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Holding your arm right next to the screen to see the hair stand up!

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