Previously: Goofus and Gallant, A Tale of Two Protagonists.

GOOFUS shuts down all anger, even appropriate anger, by calling it “carceral logic.”

GALLANT never uses the phrase “carceral logic” in everyday social conversations, only when discussing the school-to-prison pipeline.

GOOFUS recommends Conflict Is Not Abuse to too many of his friends, even in situations where Conflict Is Not Abuse is barely applicable.

GALLANT has read books by several contemporary lesbians, and offers context-based recommendations only when asked.

GOOFUS posts screenshots of Lex and Grindr ads he sees as representative of endemic problems with lesbian and lesbian-adjacent communities, or as reason for his prolonged bad luck with online dating, to his personal Twitter account for validation and commiseration..

GALLANT knows exactly what he wants out of hookup apps, creates clearly-worded posts with specific calls to action, knows how to get in and get out, and has no expectation that other people using the same apps will necessarily share his desires or goals. GALLANT never uses the phrase “lesbian-adjacent.” But he does sometimes post screenshots of really bad ads to an offline group chat. He’s only human. But only sometimes.

Using no other criteria, GOOFUS posts any picture of a tall woman and a short man he finds with the caption “T4T baby!!”

GALLANT exercises restraint and discernment.

GOOFUS blames testosterone instead of misogyny for bad behavior.

GALLANT never uses the term “microdosing T” without first learning what the “therapeutic threshold dose” of T is.

GOOFUS is secretly ready to use the phrase “female socialization” against his trans girlfriend if an argument doesn’t go his way.

GALLANT doesn’t reproduce heterosexual mindsets like “but who’s really the girl,” no matter who he’s dating, and would never selectively identify with his ASAB in order to punish a trans woman.

GOOFUS gets hung up on whether his cis boyfriend has dated trans guys before and what that means about how he “really” sees him.

GALLANT only asks for basic respect and honest desire from his partners, and does not go through their past to undermine their present commitments.

GOOFUS skips his bottom surgery consultation and encourages his friends to do the same, saying “I heard it’s not even that good for guys.”

GALLANT does not contribute to the spread of misinformation that disincentivizes trans people from pursuing all available medical options.

GOOFUS conflates the term “non-binary” with “non-medically-transitioning.”

GALLANT quietly teaches all his friends who are interested in switching injection techniques and minimizing scar-tissue buildup about the subcutaneous method, and shares links to discounted medical-supply websites where they can get smaller, thinner needles than the ones their lousy insurance companies automatically send with their prescription.

GOOFUS turns the phrase “white cis gays” into a shibboleth that leads him to fundamentally homophobic positions like “cruising violates the consent of the general public.”

GALLANT understands when the problem is whiteness, and also knows what “public” means.

GOOFUS and GALLANT just went on their first date together. You look down at your phone: you have fourteen new messages from GOOFUS.

“I just met someone!!!!!”

GALLANT waits until the date is over to text his friends excitedly. But he feels really good about this one.

The Chatner

Highlights For Queers Presents: Goofus and…