How To Hedge Your Bets As The King's New Interpreter of Portents

When you need to put a positive spin on something, but still need to sound realistic

“Well, it’s certainly an omen. I wouldn’t go so far as to call it a bad omen, necessarily. It is a presage of something to come, but it could just as easily be a presage of something good as a presage of something negative.”

“The important thing to remember is that a portent can signify either something calamitous or momentous is going to happen. So the odds are at least 50% that it won’t be calamitous. Perhaps a magnificent statue is going to break out.”

“Yes, but the vulture was clearly heading in the direction of the king’s enemies before the lightning hit it.”

“No, blue is lucky if it’s entrails. It’s a blue tongue that’s unlucky. But blue entrails is good news. It reflects, ah, fortune at sea. It also represents intuition, sensitivity, and imagination.”

“It’s true that a bird-sign on the left is usually inauspicious. But what my esteemed colleagues have failed to take into account is the fact that if we simply change our perspective — thusly — what was on the king’s left is now on his right, and vice versa!”

“I didn’t hear ‘Beware’. I heard ‘Caunean figs’. The man was clearly selling figs from Caunea. Nothing unusual about that. Very good figs they grow in Caunea, too.”

“In your dream — before Jupiter kicked you from heaven to earth, when he was still sitting on his throne — was he carrying anything in his hands? No? Maybe wearing something on his belt? Well, was he shoeless? Well, that’s all right then.”

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When you’re not sure whether the king is looking for an excuse to have someone killed or promoted

“There’s something about that girl — she’s always standing in doorways. Well, you know what they say about girls who stand in doorways: Sooner or later, she’s going to see what’s in the hallway.”

“I seem to see him standing in front of a large crowd of people. The people look — well, it’s a little difficult to say, they appear to come from a far-off country and sometimes it takes me a little longer to interpret the expressions of foreigners — he seems to be taking some sort of test, and will either pass or fail by the will of the crowd…what do you think they’re saying?”

“Of course, the oracle has been breathing fumes all day. We must take these words with a grain of salt.”

“I think that cloud looks marvelously like a gallows. Unless it be a podium? On closer examination, I think it looks very like a podium. Shall I look again, or…?”

“The good thing about sending him into battle, of course, is that he will either be killed or win great glory to himself. If he be true of heart and loyal, I’m sure he will win glory, and there would therefore be no cause to fear for his safety. If he were otherwise, of course — but either way, it is in the hands of the gods.”

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When you need to stall for time

“Well, the king stands in symbolic relation to his epoch, and not a lot of men can say that.”

“If there’s one thing I know about the king, it’s that he really doesn’t like being betrayed.”

“Why don’t we wait and see how many heads are on the next calf that is born in the royal stables? After all, this might just have been a one-off. No, pardon me, sire, I wouldn’t make a joke at a time like this.”

“I think it’s a fine day for a hunt. Doesn’t look like rain. And people always like to be reminded that the king knows how to kill a deer.”

“Do you know, I’ve just remembered: there’s going to be an eclipse next week. We ought to wait until then, let the stars make up their minds. No point in asking them anything today.”

“Everyone is so quick to assume a rain of blood is an evil hap! Not I — I say it betokens the king’s blood, which is abundant, robust, and sufficient to water all the land. Slacken not in thy paces, good king! Stay the course!”

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When you need to offload responsibility

“Well, accepit omen, arripuit omen.”

“This sort of phenomenon is really outside of my field. If you want someone to interpret that, you’d better get an expert in libanomancy. The best I could give you would be an educated guess…Of course, I seek only to serve Your Majesty, but it’s really a question of whether you want the job done quickly or done right…Yes, I thought so too. I’ll get a specialist out as soon as possible.”

“Do you want a scryer, or do you want a dowser? Because a dowser can help you find the water, but it takes a scryer to see something in the water.”

“Well, you know what they say: a bad omen for one king is a good omen for his rival.”

“I’d certainly encourage the king to take heed of it. Just general heed, as a rule. You can’t take too much heed of things, I always say.”

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