How To Play Video Games For The First Time In Fifteen Years
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Play the last game you played when you were 17 or so
Hang on, does Croc still exist?
It was the Legend of the Gobbos! Man, those were cute.
the fuck is a PC
Go further back. Maybe when you were 12?
Ahh, that’s the business.
Pause every level or so to google the name of the level you’re currently playing + “how to complete”
Allow a friend who has played video games in the last 4 years to persuade you to play an updated 3D version of the last video game you played (Donkey Kong Country)
This is terrifying??
Pause the game to give your heart rate a chance to come down
Pause the game to explain to your friend that “this used to work if you pressed A”
Wait for your friend to say, “You’re right, you did used to be able to stay on the vine if you pressed A just once instead of ZR + ZL the whole time – let me fix that for you.”
Why is this seal so angry with you??
WHY IS THIS SEAL SO ANGRY WITH YOU?
Scream or at the very least gasp every time you A. Jump, B. Fall, C. Die, D. See something you haven’t seen yet
Scream the word “ASS” involuntarily whenever something happens that you didn’t expect
Collapse involuntarily whenever you finish something
Mute the game because battle music is too stressful
Start playing an ambient-noise Youtube channel because playing a video game in silence is too unnerving
Start playing a Youtube channel of someone else playing Super Mario World because those sounds are familiar and comforting, and make a nice overlay with “Rain & Thunderstorm & Fireplace Sounds 10 Hours | Cozy Cabin”
This isn’t fair
My pinkies hurt from holding the bottom of the handhold aloft
Can someone fix that?
Say “I died again” in outraged tones until your friend fixes something
Say “This was the level where I used to hand off the controller to my friend’s brother so he would battle the boss for me” until your friend volunteers to battle the boss for you
No, I don’t want to play Animal Crossing
I only want to play video games I’ve already played
I DIED AGAIN!!!!
Hide the game, to punish it for being unfair to you
After a few hours, pick the game back up and ask if it’s sorry yet
“You have to be fair to me now”
“I’m sorry I put you in time-out, but do you understand why I had to do it?”
“That’s not how we treat each other in this house.”
I only want to play levels I’ve already beaten in games I’ve already played at least fifteen, preferably twenty years ago
PAUSE PAUSE PAUSE
Does anyone have an older brother I can borrow who will finish this level for me
Is there an all-errands version of Ocarina of Time on this console where I can just rescue Cuccos in Kakariko Village and sell masks to people?
Hide yourself for a few hours, to punish yourself for being so mean to the game
Apologize tenderly to the game, then turn it off and hold it like a baby for ten minutes or so
Maybe take a walk.
Maybe walk this off.
Maybe try this again in another fifteen years
Last time I played video games with my baby brother, it was Golden Eye, so mostly wandering completely lost down corridors, and in order to "make it fair" once he found me, he had to take my controls and turn my character around so it was facing him, choose a weapon for me, aim it, give me back my controls, and then give me a couple seconds before inevitably killing me. He only played with me when all his friends were busy.
oh my god, i am nerd-slain. killed softly, my whole life told up in his words. i am the silent loved one in the background of this piece, pleading, sighing, boss-killing.
if you find this message, future archive-reader, please -- the answer to #37 is yes. hyrule field is in kakariko village now. fishing is free. you will never die, skeletons will never rise with the moon, and there is no water temple. masks are now t-shirts and shit. errands and cartoon grass as far as the eye can see.
the answer is animal crossing.