I found answering these questions for myself an absorbing exercise. I have not shared it with anyone, and I probably won't, because I think it makes me (somewhat unduly) sound like a real dick.
I also found myself answering these questions for myself to be quite absorbing, but on the other hand, it made me sound (probably duly) like a sniveling people-pleaser who needs to learn how to read the room.
I was going through a difficult period in my life when a friendly acquaintance welcomed me with open arms into her friend group who had been through the same thing. Freedom, joy, relief in being understood, etc., then one of them dramatically turned against me for reasons that I am forcing myself to not relate.* Then the other friends kept up polite but monotonically decreasing levels of interaction with me until I discovered they had a thriving, constant group chat with the ex-friend and not me. Discovering "there's another group chat and I'm not in it" was fun because it was such a tween-level social harm that I felt stupid feeling sad for it, so I never really properly mourned about this and still vaguely want to throw up while thinking about it.
*Because they are so stupid you would think, "surely she is just trying to cast herself in the best light possible, it can't possibly have been over this" (Which, I'm sure it wasn't; most likely my personality grated on her for months or years until she exploded? At least, that makes it make more sense, and so reassures me a little, but also haunts me in a separate way.)
I've only ever had one friend break-up, it was my choice, I won, and I was firmly in the right. But does not the bare presentation of those facts make me sound unsympathetic and proud as Achilles???
There was an abrupt and wrenching friend breakup in my past which I think about frequently. Everyone to whom I have described this breakup immediately assured me that I was in the right, even though I didn't ask. I feel belligerent and uncomfortable in this state of things, and I daydream of resuming contact with my ex friend so I can be the one to blow things up this time. Why should he get to strike the once-and-for-all final blow? I think I deserve it.
“If you rip the bandaid off and get things over with, usually things turn out fine.”
I’ve had a few friendship breakups in my life and this was the thing that did us all in as a rule. But many people (myself included) have never learned how to disagree, it’s a skill to practice.
Now, having these conversations, I’ve found my friendships have been made stronger and less reliant on tiptoeing.
In a couple weeks, I am likely to see a former friend - who I broke up with in somewhat spectacular fashion - for the first time in 5+ years. He was my college best friend and we remained very close for several years thereafter, until his wife (also a friend of mine, but less close) said something I initially read as inadvertently transphobic... but had to revise the "inadvertent" part when I kindly pointed out the transphobia in her statement and she instead doubled down. He proceeded to not only defend her - which I was expecting, because spouse - but also reiterate the original problematic sentiment, even when I explained at length why it was harmful. I was so full of incandescent "righteous" rage at this point, and also in the throes of dysregulated substance use, that when it became clear that neither of them had any intention of acknowledging their transphobia (let alone changing their minds), I said something very cruel to her. I feel extremely justified in ending the relationship but still rather guilty for the damage I did (or attempted to do) on the way out.
So yeah, seeing them both at our upcoming college reunion will be... fraught :-P I expect any interactions to be polite but distant, but part of me wants to run up to him and say something emotional (I don't know what) and part of me worries that she will be openly hostile (though it would be unlike her).
I found this conversation so valuable. What an under-discussed subject! It's happened to me a couple times. One of my current closest friends and I partially became so close at the beginning (years ago now) because we were both nursing (very different) friend breakups and both had so much tenderness for each others' heartache about it.
As for seeing someone on the street... I had a devastating breakup with my BFF from high school (she ghosted me apropos of nothing, to my astonishment and dismay, at some point during college-- and we'd been the kinds of friends to IM constantly, send care packages and letters, etc etc). Now, I am 40, and she watches many of my instagram stories and still has never directly communicated since that ghosting. That kind of counts as a street encounter, right? I have no idea what it means. It strikes me as even weirder than a romantic ex doing that (at least a romantic ex might be motivated by hopes of seeing a flirty pic or something).
good timing!!! i have been unwittingly slogging through a long and difficult friendship break-up for about the last six months or so. i think seeing this collection of other folks’ thoughts about their own friend-break-ups helped me think through the qualities that contrast my dumped-friends from my still-around-friends, so thank you for that!!
I have had two best friend break ups, and while it’s been decades, I still think about them and miss one of them. I value friendship deeply, a close friend described me as treating my friends like lovers. I’ll never forget these people, and ultimately think about them more than the majority of my romantic breakups.
Jo's thoughts on pets and friends and grief and the family are so lovely and so profound.
I found answering these questions for myself an absorbing exercise. I have not shared it with anyone, and I probably won't, because I think it makes me (somewhat unduly) sound like a real dick.
I also found myself answering these questions for myself to be quite absorbing, but on the other hand, it made me sound (probably duly) like a sniveling people-pleaser who needs to learn how to read the room.
I was going through a difficult period in my life when a friendly acquaintance welcomed me with open arms into her friend group who had been through the same thing. Freedom, joy, relief in being understood, etc., then one of them dramatically turned against me for reasons that I am forcing myself to not relate.* Then the other friends kept up polite but monotonically decreasing levels of interaction with me until I discovered they had a thriving, constant group chat with the ex-friend and not me. Discovering "there's another group chat and I'm not in it" was fun because it was such a tween-level social harm that I felt stupid feeling sad for it, so I never really properly mourned about this and still vaguely want to throw up while thinking about it.
*Because they are so stupid you would think, "surely she is just trying to cast herself in the best light possible, it can't possibly have been over this" (Which, I'm sure it wasn't; most likely my personality grated on her for months or years until she exploded? At least, that makes it make more sense, and so reassures me a little, but also haunts me in a separate way.)
you intrigue me!!!!
I've only ever had one friend break-up, it was my choice, I won, and I was firmly in the right. But does not the bare presentation of those facts make me sound unsympathetic and proud as Achilles???
Achilles is famously charismatic!
And Achilles is the hero of the Iliad!
There was an abrupt and wrenching friend breakup in my past which I think about frequently. Everyone to whom I have described this breakup immediately assured me that I was in the right, even though I didn't ask. I feel belligerent and uncomfortable in this state of things, and I daydream of resuming contact with my ex friend so I can be the one to blow things up this time. Why should he get to strike the once-and-for-all final blow? I think I deserve it.
Really like Jo's insight that capital tries to limit how many people we take into our circle of care.
This was very cathartic to read after recently going through a friendship break-up myself. The responses are so thoughtfully considered.
“If you rip the bandaid off and get things over with, usually things turn out fine.”
I’ve had a few friendship breakups in my life and this was the thing that did us all in as a rule. But many people (myself included) have never learned how to disagree, it’s a skill to practice.
Now, having these conversations, I’ve found my friendships have been made stronger and less reliant on tiptoeing.
I have only had one dramatic friend breakup and when she’s showed up in my dreams, it always feels like a nightmare. It’s been almost 12 years.
This was excellent and very therapeutic. Thank you.
In a couple weeks, I am likely to see a former friend - who I broke up with in somewhat spectacular fashion - for the first time in 5+ years. He was my college best friend and we remained very close for several years thereafter, until his wife (also a friend of mine, but less close) said something I initially read as inadvertently transphobic... but had to revise the "inadvertent" part when I kindly pointed out the transphobia in her statement and she instead doubled down. He proceeded to not only defend her - which I was expecting, because spouse - but also reiterate the original problematic sentiment, even when I explained at length why it was harmful. I was so full of incandescent "righteous" rage at this point, and also in the throes of dysregulated substance use, that when it became clear that neither of them had any intention of acknowledging their transphobia (let alone changing their minds), I said something very cruel to her. I feel extremely justified in ending the relationship but still rather guilty for the damage I did (or attempted to do) on the way out.
So yeah, seeing them both at our upcoming college reunion will be... fraught :-P I expect any interactions to be polite but distant, but part of me wants to run up to him and say something emotional (I don't know what) and part of me worries that she will be openly hostile (though it would be unlike her).
I found this conversation so valuable. What an under-discussed subject! It's happened to me a couple times. One of my current closest friends and I partially became so close at the beginning (years ago now) because we were both nursing (very different) friend breakups and both had so much tenderness for each others' heartache about it.
As for seeing someone on the street... I had a devastating breakup with my BFF from high school (she ghosted me apropos of nothing, to my astonishment and dismay, at some point during college-- and we'd been the kinds of friends to IM constantly, send care packages and letters, etc etc). Now, I am 40, and she watches many of my instagram stories and still has never directly communicated since that ghosting. That kind of counts as a street encounter, right? I have no idea what it means. It strikes me as even weirder than a romantic ex doing that (at least a romantic ex might be motivated by hopes of seeing a flirty pic or something).
good timing!!! i have been unwittingly slogging through a long and difficult friendship break-up for about the last six months or so. i think seeing this collection of other folks’ thoughts about their own friend-break-ups helped me think through the qualities that contrast my dumped-friends from my still-around-friends, so thank you for that!!
I have had two best friend break ups, and while it’s been decades, I still think about them and miss one of them. I value friendship deeply, a close friend described me as treating my friends like lovers. I’ll never forget these people, and ultimately think about them more than the majority of my romantic breakups.