An excerpt from, obviously: I could not possibly have known I was trans as a child. When my friends and I went through the normal developmental stage of trying to set household items on fire during eighth-grade sleepovers, we always used Bath & Body Works cucumber-melon spray as an accelerant. What could have been more womanly than that? If pressed to think about the subject further, I imagine I might have considered it a net positive for female representation among pubescent firebugs and nascent arsonists. The closest I came to expressing anything remotely along the lines of a desire to transition was trying to open a savings account in the fourth grade under the name “Savannah Hall” while my mother was in line at the bank, and later spelling my given name with one “L” instead of two on all of my seventh-grade homework assignments. The savings account never took, but Savannah received promotional mailers from the Bank of America well into high school.
Danny, thank you for this. It was exactly what I needed to read for where I'm at with my kiddo's transition. Frankly, I haven't been able to read your book yet -- it came out just at the time my 13yo did, and it's just been too raw.
What really clicked with me here is that there's no going back to the before, and that my child is irrevocably different. Even if he ultimately chooses to adopt a female identity again, it's never going to be a cis-default thing. Gender will always, always be something he chooses and defines and thinks about.
It's kind of harsh to realize that there's no world where my kid will "wake up restored", but it's also what I needed to hear to help let go of that wish and move forward. I love my kid and have been supportive of him with words and actions, but I've been struggling to align my heart with it. This helped. Thank you, truly.
Thank *you* so much for writing this. I imagine that, as a parent, it's so difficult to let go of a vision of your kid's future where you know they're always going to be safe, and loved, and supported, and taken care of. And I hope you're getting the care and support you need from others so you can continue to nurture your kid, because you deserve it too. I feel very moved by this, and am just rooting for you both fiercely.
We have an amazing therapist who is doing good work with all of us, and they have talked with us at length about how we get to have our feelings too, as long as we don't make that our kid's burden to carry.
It's just a real experience in learning what it really means to commit to loving someone else absolutely unconditionally, and in giving them what they need and not what you want them to need. It's a gift -- not a comfortable one, but the best gifts aren't, are they?
My kid is great and perfect and special, and we're all going to be fine. It makes me happy to know that you're cheering us on. <3
I come back to this post all the time, and I have read some of it outloud in my bedroom while crying and laughing. I really need to order your book... it's always taken out already at my art school library! I was raised Reform Jewish: thank you so much for talking about spirituality and childhood! I agree that gender euphoria is always the best reason to transition. I talk about your work a lot in reference to my own transmasculine process and identity.
Danny, thank you for this. It was exactly what I needed to read for where I'm at with my kiddo's transition. Frankly, I haven't been able to read your book yet -- it came out just at the time my 13yo did, and it's just been too raw.
What really clicked with me here is that there's no going back to the before, and that my child is irrevocably different. Even if he ultimately chooses to adopt a female identity again, it's never going to be a cis-default thing. Gender will always, always be something he chooses and defines and thinks about.
It's kind of harsh to realize that there's no world where my kid will "wake up restored", but it's also what I needed to hear to help let go of that wish and move forward. I love my kid and have been supportive of him with words and actions, but I've been struggling to align my heart with it. This helped. Thank you, truly.
Thank *you* so much for writing this. I imagine that, as a parent, it's so difficult to let go of a vision of your kid's future where you know they're always going to be safe, and loved, and supported, and taken care of. And I hope you're getting the care and support you need from others so you can continue to nurture your kid, because you deserve it too. I feel very moved by this, and am just rooting for you both fiercely.
We have an amazing therapist who is doing good work with all of us, and they have talked with us at length about how we get to have our feelings too, as long as we don't make that our kid's burden to carry.
It's just a real experience in learning what it really means to commit to loving someone else absolutely unconditionally, and in giving them what they need and not what you want them to need. It's a gift -- not a comfortable one, but the best gifts aren't, are they?
My kid is great and perfect and special, and we're all going to be fine. It makes me happy to know that you're cheering us on. <3
I may have told you this before but the part about "something irreversible" has helped me overcome my fear of transition. Thank you.
I come back to this post all the time, and I have read some of it outloud in my bedroom while crying and laughing. I really need to order your book... it's always taken out already at my art school library! I was raised Reform Jewish: thank you so much for talking about spirituality and childhood! I agree that gender euphoria is always the best reason to transition. I talk about your work a lot in reference to my own transmasculine process and identity.
This is extraordinarily lovely, Danny. x