I’m out of the professional advice game at present, but I recently fielded a relatively low-stakes question from a friend about referents that interested me. I was once again struck by what a valuable currency it is, being asked one’s opinion by a friend; one feels flush with warmth, appreciation, and a sense of belonging. One feels important, but also useful, which checks any tendency towards puffing up, not to mention endeared towards the friend who has sought our help. If you want to do someone a favor, ask them for their advice on some minor point of polite behavior; you’ll make their day.
I love this meditation, Danny! I've encountered a similar situation with teaching Sunday school with young people who are going through gender exploration and not always comfortable giving their pronouns. Teachers give their pronouns but I always try to remember to say it's optional as we do introductions periodically. Then during discussion if I'm not sure of someone's pronouns, I either just use the name they gave and/or I might switch from talking *about* someone to instead turning to them and addressing them so I can use the "you" pronoun instead. "I thought that's what you were saying, is that right?" It's better teaching anyway to draw the other student back into the discussion. And I would think similarly in group therapy that in general you probably want to avoid going on at length in the third person about someone who is right there and instead address them directly which handily does not require a third person pronoun :)
The bit about having missed the point if we're more eager to catch someone out than to participate in conversation is so good.
I have two modes when it comes to my pronouns. The first is "thank you SO much for trying, I KNOW it's difficult, I SEE your effort and I can hold space for this awkwardness FOREVER". The second is "I can see you squirming at my whole existence and I'm not going to take one single step to make it easier for you. I am a mountain, I am a pillar, I am immovable and you'll have to find a way around me." Which mode I employ is deeply situational and I've read things wrong before so I would like to develop a chill middle road for when the good faith/bad faith vibes are unclear.
One of my teenagers has been out as trans for a few years, one is somewhere in the gender-exploratory spectrum, and most of their friends are queer and/or trans. I therefore spend a lot of time around trans teenagers, and one of the things I've observed is that they seem to use "they" by default unless pronouns are known.
I love this meditation, Danny! I've encountered a similar situation with teaching Sunday school with young people who are going through gender exploration and not always comfortable giving their pronouns. Teachers give their pronouns but I always try to remember to say it's optional as we do introductions periodically. Then during discussion if I'm not sure of someone's pronouns, I either just use the name they gave and/or I might switch from talking *about* someone to instead turning to them and addressing them so I can use the "you" pronoun instead. "I thought that's what you were saying, is that right?" It's better teaching anyway to draw the other student back into the discussion. And I would think similarly in group therapy that in general you probably want to avoid going on at length in the third person about someone who is right there and instead address them directly which handily does not require a third person pronoun :)
The bit about having missed the point if we're more eager to catch someone out than to participate in conversation is so good.
I have two modes when it comes to my pronouns. The first is "thank you SO much for trying, I KNOW it's difficult, I SEE your effort and I can hold space for this awkwardness FOREVER". The second is "I can see you squirming at my whole existence and I'm not going to take one single step to make it easier for you. I am a mountain, I am a pillar, I am immovable and you'll have to find a way around me." Which mode I employ is deeply situational and I've read things wrong before so I would like to develop a chill middle road for when the good faith/bad faith vibes are unclear.
Thank you for this. Being kinder is a lifelong process!
"how to transform suffering into something useful". thanks for that, danny. I'm on board
One of my teenagers has been out as trans for a few years, one is somewhere in the gender-exploratory spectrum, and most of their friends are queer and/or trans. I therefore spend a lot of time around trans teenagers, and one of the things I've observed is that they seem to use "they" by default unless pronouns are known.
This was deep, vulnerable, insightful, and the conclusion was profound. Thank you!