Empress Matilda, 1102-1167, sometime Empress of the Holy Roman Empire, daughter of King Henry I and mother of King Henry II, briefly Lady of the English but never Queen in England, which if you ask me was nobody’s fault but her own, on account of behaving extremely stupidly upon finally reaching London in 1141
The UK children's sketch show and criminally underrated gem Horrible Histories has a song explaining Matilda's failed bids for power. It does not go into the level of detail Danny does here, but it more than makes up for this with ABBA references.
“ Oh, please become king of England, shiny Matilda, for we need you to be king so very much and we don’t like Stephen at all and we think he should be king of nothing.” Oh Danny oh Danny oh Danny oh. hank you for the joy. Btw I do so miss the Two monks. Just sayin
I am especially in love with how the first letter slips from the initial and expected pleasantries very quickly down into the tone of "you are being SO stupid right now I am not even going to talk about it, but WOW, so stupid". Taking a few steps even past plausible deniability of hostility, then hopping back over the line. It's genius.
I’m helpless, owing to fits of XD, to do more than revisit some favorite moments:
...you have disturbed his whole kingdom against him, which I’m sure even you can agree was unlikely to have been his intention in giving you this job.
...But I am writing to sow peace, not to tell you what I think of your ridiculous behavior.
...certain Stephens of Blois who shall remain nameless
...you, her beautiful gorgeous very special with the best hair daughter
...how God cleared a path to you over the course of hundreds of years using your grandparents and so on. Please become queen right away and send money.
...I am writing all this in front of Alduin, who tells me he is a chaplain, so you know that I am serious.
None of this would have happened if you took better care of Malmesbury